The devious Cows... and their wrong legs....

Cows.... bovine milk factories and leather sofas in waiting.. or evil alien creatures attempting to take over the world??? Easy question to answer, I hear you say... or is it??!!?? A friend of mine... well, more an aquaintance... well, someone I get paid to be near, to be totally accurate, is of the opinion that our beefy buddies are in fact more cunning than we give them credit for... the leather and burgers are just a distraction, to take our minds off their dastardly plotting to conquer humanity... And what first gave him this idea?? The fact that cows' legs are wrong... they are too spindly to hold them up.... they lie down funny.... they get up funny.... and cattle kill people.... about 20 a year in this country.... which brings me to the conclusion that we are at least winnin the war of attrition....but fear is a funny thing.... I once read an article in some sunday newspaper, that it could actually be beneficial to have an irrational fear and hatred of something... so from that moment I became afraid of Mrs Jenny Torrance of 18, Regent Terrace, Brighton.... who she is, I have no idea... and why I am afraid of her is a complete mystery.... and you don't get more irrational than that!! But I digress.... butthen, I have been ill.... tonsilitis wiped out my camping at Beaudesert, and my prebooked week off work was spent mainly in bed, watching Gorky Park... one of my favourite films.... partially because it's one of the few films that features a car chase with Ladas....and a couple of immortal lines....

Irina: The KGB have better cars....
Arkady: Yes, but they don't always take you were you want to go....

And later on, in the militia interrogation room....

Golodkin: Yes, that's him... Jack Osborne... he came to me, wanted a big church chest... That's not a nun with tits.....

featuring fine performances from William Hurt, Michael Elphick, and Alexei Sayle, along with Brian Dennehy (one of my favourite and I think highly underrated American actors..) its a great film.... but, again, I digress..... my sanity last week was saved by my lady friend, who I think still has it.... but never mind.. I never had much use for it anyway... so, until all Parks are like Gorky, Wisebeard salutes you!!!!!!

Unloved and much maligned....

You've probably noticed by now ( or maybe not) that I have a thing about Eastern European cars... but not in the same way as my thing about trains and Jenny Agutter.... I've owned several Lada Rivas, and a workmate of mine owns a Niva 4x4.... and we've always found them to be rugged, reliable and useful... they were also cheap.... Lada, just like Skoda before the VW takeover, were the butt of many jokes...and I could never see why.... lets be honest, as a sixties car, the Riva was head and shoulders above everything British.. based on theCar-of the Year Fiat... alright, so it didn't change much for thirty years (and still hasn't) but did it need to??? I mean, modern cars contain so many unneccessary advances that I often think a loyt of it is progress for the sake of it.... a lot of fibs were told about Lada especially.. for instance, it was the financial situation in Russia that led to exports being stopped, not the brakes or emissions... as many MOT testers will testify, Ladas in the seventies had much better brakes than most eighties western offerings, and the emissions on my 1987 estate would have satisfied the levels for a brand new car in 2000.... so why did Eastern European cars get such a bad press?? Politics!!!! If it became apparent that a workable, good car could be had for half the price of a cheap tinny unreliable one, there was always a possibility that the good folks at the bottom would start thinking Communism was a good idea.... and that would never do... and so began the mission of damning Red Cars.... some of which was ridiculous... for example, we were told not to drive a Moskvich 412... why not?? because if you loosened all the wheelnuts, the wheels could fall off.... surprise surprise!!! why you would loosen them was never made apparent... neither was the fact that you could say the same about any car!!! So it was politics that tried to kill the Lada.... However, that looks set to change... British van firm LDV now belongs to GAZ, the Russian truck and SUV manufacturer, and Lada is sort of part of GM.... but still doing their own designs... even Yugo are back on the scene... so with a bit of luck we will be seeing "commie cars" back in this country soon.... but there we are.... until next time, anyone who has defied authority and bought a decent car, Wisebeard salurtes you....