Hoods.....

and possibly the boys in them... or maybe not... Now, as those of you who know the Beard, and several of those who don't, can attest, our hairy friend is incredibly averse to controversy and confrontation, as this blog proves.... I have always attempted to steer clear of subjects that may cause offence, and my opinions have always been fairly average... from the support of ID cards (if free), the reintroduction of fox hunting, the advantages of battery farming, and the use of dangerous criminals for medical experimentation, the Beard's views are obviously quite mainstream... as is his position on human rights...

Don't worry, faithful Beard followers, I'm not about to launch yet again into the reasons why human rights should be abolished, but I'm afraid the subject is comig to the fore as I watch a Panorama about so-called Feckless Fathers....

In my hirsute opinion, this labelling is never a good thing... not teh labelling itself, which does possibly serve a purpose in highlighting a problem, but the method of labelling.. this awful, mock-humourous tabloidy stuff... lets be honest, along with Joy Riders, and Happy Slappers, and other such foolery, these labels serve to somehow make light of the problem... I'm not a dangerous car thief, I'm a Joy Rider... I'm not a vicious violent attacker, I'm a Happy Slapper... I'm not an idle, irresponsible selfish c**t, I'm a Feckless Father....

Lets be honest, the real reason why there is this apparent correlation between male unemployment and absent fathers is almost certainly because the same men who can't be bothered to get out of bed to take on a job because they'd rather play on their x-boxes and get money from benefits, are strangely unable to be bothered to look after the kids that they've spawned... Now, the beard will admit that the benefit system desperately needs an overhaul, and that single parents are often better off not working (the Beard himself earns less from employment than his benefits would total were he a single parent... it was only the tax credits (benefits themselves) taht allowed him to keep his (admittedly large) head above water... but there is no excuse for these idle peopel to not go out and get a job... lets be honest, Eastern Europeans seem to be able to get jobs quite easily... and more power to them... so why can't young English people?

Aha, I hear you say... that's because all these Eastern Europeans are coming over, taking the jobs from the young natives... just like the blacks did in the fifties... but this is putting the cart before the horse, or some other such mis-applied metaphor...

The reason we employ migrant workers is the same now as it always has been... a subculture of idleness masquerading as pride... "I'm not emptying bins/ picking orders/ sweeping floors/ washing cars for the minimum wage or just above... what sort of job is that for a man.... " The Beard has even heard people in job centres exclaim "I'm not working 40 hours a week for 8 quid and hour!" Well, the Beard would... he currently works for less than that.... and so would lots and lots of people... what they actually mean is "I can't be bothered to do that... I'd rather stay a kid, play games, sleep and get some pocket money and never have to wonder where it comes from... and if someone's foolish enough to let me, even better..."

But recognising the problem is only a small part of this... the main thing is to try to suggest and implement a solution... and there is one, an easy one, but so far no one seems to have the backbone to do it... mainly due to worrying about the infringement of so called human rights....

Simply put, make people work for their benefits.... how many times are we told that hospitals are dirty due to lack of money, roads are in bad condition due to lack of money, and so on, when the real problem is not a lack of money, but a lack of manpower.... get some of these Feckless fathers scrubbing wards, digging holes, clearing rivers, and not just as a brief, short-lived community project for volunteers... make it a condition of their getting benefits... pay the benefits in the form of housing, food and leisure activities at a basic level, rather than in money... make sure that people in "proper" jobs get more than they could on the benefit system, and let anyone who doesn't want to work starve in the streets... trust me, they won't form wild, dangerous bandit gangs... it'll be too much like hard work... Hands up who wants to pay a nineteen year old to father kids and play on the x-box.... now hands up who wants to pay the same person to make sure the roads are clear of snow....

I think the ayes have it.... or possibly not... who can tell... all that is certain is that this will probably not happen in our lifetimes... which is a pity... perhaps this approach might even give some of these idle persons a sense of real pride... or maybe not...

Related to this is the problem of fathers who refuse to look after their offspring.... now, as a father and prospective step-father, the Beard struggles to understand any father not wanting contact with their kids... some lose contact through the action of vengeful women, true, but a lot simply have the same can't be bothered attitude that they have towards work... this is a far harder problem to solve, as to be honest, forcing fathers to see their kids could end up doing more harm than good... possibly the solution is a probationary system... once the first child is born, the father is observed... if he fails to support his progeny, in any way at all, he should be sterilised... this also would help decrease the surplus population, Ebeneezer, and solve innumerable other problems... but that's for another time...

It remains to say, Captain Beefheart and Pete Postlethwaite, belatedly rest in peace, and to those of you who can be bothered, Wisebeard salutes you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A new year for some...

but not for others, as the Beard is often called upon to explain to those who adhere totally to the standard western calendar... As an example or several, we have the Chinese, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, and Pagan new years yet to come... which is of course how it should be....

Now, as you may or may not know or care, the Beard of course adheres to all sorts of sticky things, not least of which are honey, treacle, Airfix glue and the belief that the world began with darkness and cold, meaning that the year should also... now, to those of you who wish to point out that it just has, well, the point I must concede to a small extent, whilst simultaneously mentioning that it has been dark and cold for quite a while, and the days are actually getting longer and lighter.... so the Beard is going to wish you all a Happy Newish Year, smug in the knowledge that we are already just over two months in....

Months, as i have mentioned (or not.. the choice is yours) are strange things... allegedly following the phases of the moon (hence the name... honest guvnor...) they actually don't... at least in the commonly used 12 division calendar that most of us know and love... or at least use.... common sense tells us that unless the moon occasionally has a lie in, then his travel around the good old Earth is actually very regular... no 30 and 31 day months for him... oh no.... and, I must admit, they're not for me either...

No, the beard here admits that, werewolf-like, he lives his life according to a regular, 28 day cycle... and not one on which the gears clash and the chain breaks.... no, the Beard begins each month with the new moon, and finishes accordingly... which gives him 13 months in each year... at least....

Now, this actually ties in quite well with my employer's "Lunar Payroll" in which we get paid once every four weeks... meaning that most years we get 13 pay days, and in what you lot out there know as 2010, we actually managed 14... but I digress....

this obviously has advantages and disadvantages.... for example, direct debits can be, if not a nightmare, at the very least a slightly uncomfortable dream which ends with a sheet half off and a slobbered on pillow, as actual pay dates alter every month, and can seriously overtake the dates bills are extracted... but, as most bills seem to be paid every calendar month, it does at least mean that in one pay packet a year, there are no bills to be paid... which leaves you no better off annually, but does work as a sort of savings scheme...

But again the Beard goes off at a tangent.... as I say, 13 months in a year makes sense to me, but not to others... "Aaah!" I hear you say... "Aaah! But 13 lots of 28 doesn't add up to 365, and the new moon doesn't always occur on the last day of the year.... to which I reply, maybe your year doesn't end with the new moon.. and maybe the beard is flexible enough despite his great age to have a 13 month period independent from the 365 daily cycle of the sun.... which, strangely, I am.... it seems to make sense to me.... if not to anyone else...

But all this is by the by... or possibly not... who knows... certainly not me... and definitely not the Beard, who, with the help of the Future Mrs Beard, the soon-to be-Step-Beard, the Elder Almost-Step-Beard (and his lovely assistant)and not least the mighty Beard Junior, has been spending his Yuletide fitting a kitchen in his new home.. yes, that's correct, the Beard has taken the plunge, and is now definitely, obviously and certainly a resident of the West Midlands, and is looking forward with anticipation and eagerness to the joyful day in April when the FMB becomes MB at last.... all he needs is a suit... and a speech.... and all sorts of stuff to be honest... oh yes, some rings would probably come in handy... but enough of that...

The Beard is phenomenally happy, and he has a sneaking suspicion that the FMB is also... at least, she hasn't hit him for several weeks, either with or without a blunt instrument... but there is still time... and at least the kitchen looks good... Dave the Builder and his crew have done a great job so far on the extension (ooh er!!) and the new cooker cooked... which is only to be expected... apparently...

But the hour grows latish, and bed beckons... a walk is on the cards for tomorrow, weather permitting, and the Beard is yawning, so it is time to once again wish those of you who have had one a happy newish year, and say that until all our new years become resolute, Wisebeard salutes you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, nearly two months without the Beard.... how have any of us coped... least of all myself.... but already I digress...

Two months is a long time to go without blogging, but not a long time when one is attempting to organise a wedding, cope with building work, soort out a Scout Group, and move out of a house... seriously...

But the Beard is finally uprooting and heading for pastures new... on December the fifth, his tenancy officially ends (depending on the vagaries of the council, of course...)and he begins his new life as resident at the house of the Future Mrs Beard... and not before time, I hear some (if not most) of you cry... But worry not!!!! For the presence of the Beard within cyberspace will unfortunately be continued, as will his current employ... so the tramp like existence(part time) of the beard will be beginning soon... phew!

And of course, in true Beardlife fashion, delays and confusions have occurred, placing a large white obstacle in the way of his plans... that's right, for those of you who live in slightly less inhspitable climes, the snow has fallen on England, Scotland, Ireland and Wales, causing the annual bread shortage to happen several weeks earlier than usual.. and in that forgotten County which is Leicestershire, especially in the North West thereof, boy has it fallen... it makes the Beard glad that he is flying south, even if only as far as sunny Solihull.... now, the Beard has always been amazed by the public's propensity for buying bread and milk at the first sniff of a snowflake... personally, I buy flour, yeast and sausages... after all, bread and milk go off so quickly, and sausage sandwiches with hot home made bread is a far superior survive-the-snow foodstuff... but I digress.. or do I....??

Moving house, allegedly, is the second most stressful thing a person can do, trailing on the heels of a death in the family... styrangely enough, apparently the next two things are, in order, getting married and going on holiday... so the gods help anyone moving house to get married, then tying in the honeymoon with the funeral of uncle jack in australia.... But the Beard is actually finding it cathartic and soul pleasing... the very act of clearing out all the rubbish is something everyone should experience, both literally, figuratively and spiritually.... and the Beard has always believed in catharsis.. but then the Beard also believes in human nature and the power of vinegar, so what sort of judge is he...?? But, getting back off the subject, the Beard is really looking forward to finally moving in with the Future Mrs Beard...

Which basically brings everything as up to date as t eBeard ever is... hopefully, there will now be more time to update, and get back to the humourless randomness that is Wisebeard!!!!!it remains only to say that until all our tics are cathared, Wisebeard salutes you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

And isn't nature wonderful....

But is this art, as 17th century civil war rock group The Levellers once said.... now, in a month that brought us a new labour leader, a row about halal meat, a papal visit, and other such malarkey, we now have discussion in New Scientist magazine no less, as to whether video games can be art...

Now, those of you who know the Beard will be aware of his non-predeliction for the pastime that is video gaming... despite of, or possibly due to his enthusiasm for proper roleplaying games, such as Dungeons and Dragons and The Call of Cthulhu, the beard has yet to find a video game, regardless of console, concept or construction, that grabs his attention for more tahn a few moments... even the highly regarded Lego Star Wars achieved only a half hour... despite the hirsute one admitting a liking for both Lego and Star Wars....but I digress...

A brief discussion with a certain young electrical salesman of my aquaintance who does play such things only served to reinforce my own opinion... we both acknowledged the level of skill involved in the design of such games, and the artistic merit of some of the illustrations, for want of a better word... but as i said at the time, that's just having art in something, not something being art... for example, if someone in the amazingly tedious Holby City happens to be carrying The Haywain, does that make the antics of some peopel pretending to be in the medical profession art? I don't believe anyone would say so... which brings us to the nub of the matter... in order to say whether a game itself qualifies as art, we need to see it as a whole thing, an entity complete in itself....which of course leads to the Beard's answer...

It depends....

Which I will admit is neither useful nor enlightening... but then is art? What, for example, is art? Is a play by Shakespeare art, or is it simply artistic or artful? And believe me, there is a difference.... now, I think that art is a very personal thing... and it means different things to different people... now, lets take The Laughing Cavalier... is it art? Now, personally, and this is just my view, I have to say its not.... and neither is the painting that most people think of as the Mona Lisa... that is the one in the Louvre, as opposed to the proper one which is, if I remember correctly, somewhere in the south of England.... honestly... what Paris has is La Gioconda, which is a totally different painting altogether... and doesn't even match contemporary descriptions of the Mona.. but I digress..

The fact is that The Beard is of the opinion that neither of the two works mentioned are in fact art... well executed, definitely, works of immense skill, indisputably... but not art... whereas putting traffic cones on a sculpture in Leicester is... which brings us back to the question of what is art, and can video games be it...??

Well, as I say, it depends... in the mind of the Beard, art is something indefinable, and if we manage to actually define it, well, I for one will be slightly displeased... some would disagree that books or movies can be art... or that buildings can be, or the work of committees... but I believe that art, like beauty and Ed Milliband, is in the eye of the beholder... that is, if the observer experiences it as art, then it is art... now some would argue that art should be deliberately created... whereas I would argue that things can become art totally without their consent... but regardless of this, I think art should have some element of expression in in on the part of the (intentional or unintentional) artist... but most of all, it must resonate in the observer...

Now, lets take the Laughing Cavalier.... while not belittling illustration, which i believe to be a useful, intricate and difficult skill, the Cav is an illustration. It was basically equivalent to going and having your photo taken, and skilled and beautiful as some photos are, its not often that portrait photography is accused of being art.... now, some illustration can be art, but a lot isn't... in the case of the Cav, there wa sno deliberate expression of feeling, and although I can admire the skill, it resonates not one jot...

Now, lets take the Humbercones... for those who don't know, these are big green baize cones on a traffic island in Leicester... art? Definitely... overpriced not very good art? Possibly... as I say, that's very subjective... now, as for the "vandals" who regulary place stolen traffic cones atop these green things... well, I would call them artists too... this is after all an act of self expression, and it connects with a lot of people...it even has a hint of irony about it...

So, the Beard's conclusion is that a video game could be art, if it is seen as such... but I must add that just as I have never seen a book or movie that I would describe as art, so have I never seen a video game that qualifies... but you may have....

Now, as I may or may not have mentioned, the Beard has nothing against halal meat.... it keeps better and doesn't leave a smelly residue in plastic bags... and as for the method of slaughter, well, it wasn't that long ago that everyone killed animals in the same way... the only difference being that we left half the blood in the animal rather than waiting for it to be fully drained... and studies in Germany suggest that stunning the animals first may actually lead to more distress than cutting their throats without stunning... and a lot of halal slaughterers stun anyway...

In a related thing, a study of those strange beings known as people has shown what the Beard has already known for a long time... that faced with information that challenges a persons moral stance, that person is more likely to change morals rather than behaviour... for example, finding out that chickens farmed for a restaurant are kept in small cages does not lead to people boycotting said establishment... it instead leads to people saying to themselves, "well, if we didn't farm intensively, we couldn't grow enough food..."

Now, the Beard has always remained true to his morals.. but then they were always pretty low anyway... I've always been pro battery hen, pro factory farm, and pro genetic modification... after all, people have got to eat, and I have no wish to go back to a time when eggs and chicken and indeed meat are seen as luxury items... and as I don't like meat with blood in it (on the rare occasions I eat a beef steak, it has to be well done, with no blood at all...) then I have no problem with halal meat... and to those who say they have religious objections, well, try saying a prayer to your god over the meat... and to those christians who say that god won't accept that, well, please remember that when you're decorating your christmas tree (Isaiah anyone?)... and don't go into any Indian restaurants... or buyt New Zealand lamb for that matter... lets be honest, Christians should be eating kosher meat, and halal is identical... as are the Muslim, Judaic and Christian Gods... so they should have no problems with each other foods... unless the spectre of tradition and hypocrisy creeps in... as if it would....

But it grows late, and the Beard grows shaggy.... it remains only to say that I hope Ed Milliband decides what to be, and that until we all become artful without dodging, Wisebeard salutes you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A worrying time...

is usually five in the morning, unless the Beard is still asleep... but today the Beard, while ascending to the heights of Foel Fras, and indeed ascending to the heights on Foel Fras with the incredibly beautiful FMB, was struck by a sudden nagging concern... triggered by a memory of a Russian girl in a supermarket.... of which more later... or even now... to cut a short story long, said girl was astounded many moons back at the great British idea of putting on a tin a picture of the foodstuff in said tin... until she saw the cat food and was horrified... now, the Beard thinks, what if she had seen baby food... but this led the Beard to worry about labeling... for example, we all know what sunflower oil is.. and sesame oil, peanut oil, olive oil... but what of the horror that is baby oil... and the Beard has often visited pork butcher in search of cut up pig and sausage, but the father of a friend of beard Junior claims to be a family butcher.. should the police be informed...

But i digress... it is nearly midnight, and this short entry must suffice... but until all our sausages become emulsified high fat offal tubes, Wisebeard salutes you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

But who's counting...???

So, the Beard had the possible misfortune of watching Stallone's latest action fest, The Expendables.... written by Stallone himself.. and in a way it shows.. not least due to the massive yellow "written by Sylvester Stallone" in the opening credits.... but I digress.... Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzennegger both paid for their new lavatory seats with a couple of cameos that increased the amount of acting in the film by approximately 300%, and I must admit that Jet Li did a very good Jet Li impersonation... but then, he usually does....

If you measure the excellence of films by the number of bangs (oo er missus) then The Expendables must rate as the best film ever made... seemingly a near remake of the quite good 70s adaption of the quite excellent Frederick Forsyth book "The Dogs of War", which itself starred the almost excellent Christopher Walken, Stallone's action epic does sometimes ascend to the heights of ridiculousness.... now, the Beard was never one for lists.. I've always seen myself as two for lists.... and when it comes to ticking boxes, well, the less said the better.... but the Beard managed to count no less than 127 action movie cliches in the short space of two hours or so... that's over two cliches per minute, which the hirsute one believes to be a record for the genre....

Now, cliches are not necessarily a bad thing... though I tend to avoid them like the plague... or even the plaque.... strange how having a blue plaque on a house is a good thing, but if you were to apply the same to your teeth.. well.... but I often think that we should be devoting some of our time as writers to inventing some new cliches... true, cliches can be overused.. lets be honest, its the mark of a cliche... but there must have been a time, back in the long ago, when cliches were fresh, new and interesting... someone invented them, and they caught on. and why?? the simple reason must be that everyone related to them in some way.... they were easy to understand, they spoke to people, people enjoyed them.. so we still use the most obvious similes, the stereotype, the action scene that we all expect... we're like Hobbits with their books... books that tell them things that they already know, set down fair and square with no contradictions.... lets be honest, who wants to waste several seconds of ther life trying to work out what something means, or being surprised by a plot twist...

Lets be frank, life itself is a cliche... people going around, doing the same things over and over again, exactly the same as every other person.... occasionally some of us attempt to break out of this cliche cycle, and for a few moments we do, climbing that mountain, diving in that ocean, visiting that distant star... but then we descend into the cliche again, roasting that dinner, sunbathing on that beach, watching that cliched movie.... some would say that was disappointing, depressing, in some way bad.. but not the Beard... as I say, cliche can be good... different is good, yes, but cliche is safe, comforting, easy to understand, and without some of that, our lives would be well, unsafe, uncomfortable, puzzling, and so stressful that we'd all die of heart attacks at an early age.. and that would be no good for any of us.... least of all me...

Now, over the last montha nd a bit the Beard has been out and about, visiting the wilds of Kidderminster, the milds of Anglesey, and quite possibly the filds of the West Midlands, if such a thing exists... and let me tell you, as hair grows upon my chin, they do... seriously.... but life has been quite active, with camps, trips and a dip in the swimming pool, where the Beard, FMB, FSB and beard Junior witnessed several unwitting displays of the standard homoerotic behaviour that is known as male bonding... a visit to IKEA (always spelt in capitals.. the Beard wonders if it is indeed an acronym, and if so, for what...) has revealed the shape if not the sound of the future kitchen, and the work on the extension (yet more oo but slightly less err missus!)has sort of begun....

The Beard himself is settling into domesticity at an alarming rate, so alarming that he ahs just realised that the old blog has lacked update for much much more than the regular monthish.... for which I apologise... although, to be fair, which I usually am not, my sort of faithful audience has probably been sighing with relief as a result... but this update, of appalling quality though it be, is at last here... sorry... but then, my lateness has probably become a cliche in itself, especially with those who have been kind enough to employ me over the past few years.... but then flexibility has always been the Beard's watchword.. just ask the Future Mrs Beard.... but yet again I digress.... and the Beard has other things to do... althouigh to be honest, I'm not sure exactly what.. but then I never am... so it remains to say only that we should remain safe in our cliches, and until all our filds are wild and mild, Wisebeard salutes you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happiness, and the lie of altruism.....

Now, those who are aware of the Beard, and some who are not, will know that our hirsutely faced wisdom speaker is not a believer in altruism... not to say that he does not believe in doing good, and helping others, even at the expense of personal gain.. oh no.. but the whole idea that we can somehow go against nature and do things that help others and bring no benefit to ourselves.... let me explain.... first of all, I believe that altruistic acts simply don't exist... all acts are acted for benefit.... pure and simple... the problem is that we are so used to seeing ourselves as individuals, and (for some strange reason) something special, that we fail to understand that when we put ourselves out to benefit others, we are doing it, conciously or subconciously, to benefit our species.. and whta benefits our species ultimately benefits the individual...

If nothing else, performing an act that helps another but inconveniences yourself causes others, not necessarily the beneficiary, to become better disposed to the helper.. this then increases the amounrt of help that the helper could possibly receive in future.... so the act ceases to be altruistic, regardless of whether the person involved sees it as so...

But lets be honest with ourselves... there are not many of us who do not have in the back of their minds some ulterior motive, no matter how well hidden... for most of us its some vague belief in some afterlifely reward... personally, I'm honest enough to admit that i only help others because I accept that its a species survival trait, and that I always get something out of it... I end up feeling happier... and that to me is a good enough reason...

Or is it? Personally, the Beard has always been at least slightly Macchiavellian in his outlook... I'm a definite believer that the good end justifies the means... and if people get helped, does it matter that the person helping is doing so merely for his own kicks?? Well, some of you out there probably think that it does matter.... and possibly it does... but, be honest... if you were stuck in a ditch, would ou refuse a hand out from someone who admits that he's helping you simply because it makes him feel good?! Is that better or worse that helping someone because you are paid to? Apparently so... I was told a while ago that helping people in exchange for money is at least "honest" in a way that helping for kicks isn't.. which I think says all you need to know, at least on that subject...

And on the subject of subjects, the Beard admits that while he is a fan of prounouns in the subject, he somehow objects to them in the object... but that's by the by... suffice it to say that the Future Mrs Beard is now winging her way back to the arms of Beard, and the Beard is feeling happier by the minute.... so he'll sign off now, pausing only to say that until all our subjects are objects, and our means are end justified, Wisebeard Salutes You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!