Hoods.....

and possibly the boys in them... or maybe not... Now, as those of you who know the Beard, and several of those who don't, can attest, our hairy friend is incredibly averse to controversy and confrontation, as this blog proves.... I have always attempted to steer clear of subjects that may cause offence, and my opinions have always been fairly average... from the support of ID cards (if free), the reintroduction of fox hunting, the advantages of battery farming, and the use of dangerous criminals for medical experimentation, the Beard's views are obviously quite mainstream... as is his position on human rights...

Don't worry, faithful Beard followers, I'm not about to launch yet again into the reasons why human rights should be abolished, but I'm afraid the subject is comig to the fore as I watch a Panorama about so-called Feckless Fathers....

In my hirsute opinion, this labelling is never a good thing... not teh labelling itself, which does possibly serve a purpose in highlighting a problem, but the method of labelling.. this awful, mock-humourous tabloidy stuff... lets be honest, along with Joy Riders, and Happy Slappers, and other such foolery, these labels serve to somehow make light of the problem... I'm not a dangerous car thief, I'm a Joy Rider... I'm not a vicious violent attacker, I'm a Happy Slapper... I'm not an idle, irresponsible selfish c**t, I'm a Feckless Father....

Lets be honest, the real reason why there is this apparent correlation between male unemployment and absent fathers is almost certainly because the same men who can't be bothered to get out of bed to take on a job because they'd rather play on their x-boxes and get money from benefits, are strangely unable to be bothered to look after the kids that they've spawned... Now, the beard will admit that the benefit system desperately needs an overhaul, and that single parents are often better off not working (the Beard himself earns less from employment than his benefits would total were he a single parent... it was only the tax credits (benefits themselves) taht allowed him to keep his (admittedly large) head above water... but there is no excuse for these idle peopel to not go out and get a job... lets be honest, Eastern Europeans seem to be able to get jobs quite easily... and more power to them... so why can't young English people?

Aha, I hear you say... that's because all these Eastern Europeans are coming over, taking the jobs from the young natives... just like the blacks did in the fifties... but this is putting the cart before the horse, or some other such mis-applied metaphor...

The reason we employ migrant workers is the same now as it always has been... a subculture of idleness masquerading as pride... "I'm not emptying bins/ picking orders/ sweeping floors/ washing cars for the minimum wage or just above... what sort of job is that for a man.... " The Beard has even heard people in job centres exclaim "I'm not working 40 hours a week for 8 quid and hour!" Well, the Beard would... he currently works for less than that.... and so would lots and lots of people... what they actually mean is "I can't be bothered to do that... I'd rather stay a kid, play games, sleep and get some pocket money and never have to wonder where it comes from... and if someone's foolish enough to let me, even better..."

But recognising the problem is only a small part of this... the main thing is to try to suggest and implement a solution... and there is one, an easy one, but so far no one seems to have the backbone to do it... mainly due to worrying about the infringement of so called human rights....

Simply put, make people work for their benefits.... how many times are we told that hospitals are dirty due to lack of money, roads are in bad condition due to lack of money, and so on, when the real problem is not a lack of money, but a lack of manpower.... get some of these Feckless fathers scrubbing wards, digging holes, clearing rivers, and not just as a brief, short-lived community project for volunteers... make it a condition of their getting benefits... pay the benefits in the form of housing, food and leisure activities at a basic level, rather than in money... make sure that people in "proper" jobs get more than they could on the benefit system, and let anyone who doesn't want to work starve in the streets... trust me, they won't form wild, dangerous bandit gangs... it'll be too much like hard work... Hands up who wants to pay a nineteen year old to father kids and play on the x-box.... now hands up who wants to pay the same person to make sure the roads are clear of snow....

I think the ayes have it.... or possibly not... who can tell... all that is certain is that this will probably not happen in our lifetimes... which is a pity... perhaps this approach might even give some of these idle persons a sense of real pride... or maybe not...

Related to this is the problem of fathers who refuse to look after their offspring.... now, as a father and prospective step-father, the Beard struggles to understand any father not wanting contact with their kids... some lose contact through the action of vengeful women, true, but a lot simply have the same can't be bothered attitude that they have towards work... this is a far harder problem to solve, as to be honest, forcing fathers to see their kids could end up doing more harm than good... possibly the solution is a probationary system... once the first child is born, the father is observed... if he fails to support his progeny, in any way at all, he should be sterilised... this also would help decrease the surplus population, Ebeneezer, and solve innumerable other problems... but that's for another time...

It remains to say, Captain Beefheart and Pete Postlethwaite, belatedly rest in peace, and to those of you who can be bothered, Wisebeard salutes you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A new year for some...

but not for others, as the Beard is often called upon to explain to those who adhere totally to the standard western calendar... As an example or several, we have the Chinese, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, and Pagan new years yet to come... which is of course how it should be....

Now, as you may or may not know or care, the Beard of course adheres to all sorts of sticky things, not least of which are honey, treacle, Airfix glue and the belief that the world began with darkness and cold, meaning that the year should also... now, to those of you who wish to point out that it just has, well, the point I must concede to a small extent, whilst simultaneously mentioning that it has been dark and cold for quite a while, and the days are actually getting longer and lighter.... so the Beard is going to wish you all a Happy Newish Year, smug in the knowledge that we are already just over two months in....

Months, as i have mentioned (or not.. the choice is yours) are strange things... allegedly following the phases of the moon (hence the name... honest guvnor...) they actually don't... at least in the commonly used 12 division calendar that most of us know and love... or at least use.... common sense tells us that unless the moon occasionally has a lie in, then his travel around the good old Earth is actually very regular... no 30 and 31 day months for him... oh no.... and, I must admit, they're not for me either...

No, the beard here admits that, werewolf-like, he lives his life according to a regular, 28 day cycle... and not one on which the gears clash and the chain breaks.... no, the Beard begins each month with the new moon, and finishes accordingly... which gives him 13 months in each year... at least....

Now, this actually ties in quite well with my employer's "Lunar Payroll" in which we get paid once every four weeks... meaning that most years we get 13 pay days, and in what you lot out there know as 2010, we actually managed 14... but I digress....

this obviously has advantages and disadvantages.... for example, direct debits can be, if not a nightmare, at the very least a slightly uncomfortable dream which ends with a sheet half off and a slobbered on pillow, as actual pay dates alter every month, and can seriously overtake the dates bills are extracted... but, as most bills seem to be paid every calendar month, it does at least mean that in one pay packet a year, there are no bills to be paid... which leaves you no better off annually, but does work as a sort of savings scheme...

But again the Beard goes off at a tangent.... as I say, 13 months in a year makes sense to me, but not to others... "Aaah!" I hear you say... "Aaah! But 13 lots of 28 doesn't add up to 365, and the new moon doesn't always occur on the last day of the year.... to which I reply, maybe your year doesn't end with the new moon.. and maybe the beard is flexible enough despite his great age to have a 13 month period independent from the 365 daily cycle of the sun.... which, strangely, I am.... it seems to make sense to me.... if not to anyone else...

But all this is by the by... or possibly not... who knows... certainly not me... and definitely not the Beard, who, with the help of the Future Mrs Beard, the soon-to be-Step-Beard, the Elder Almost-Step-Beard (and his lovely assistant)and not least the mighty Beard Junior, has been spending his Yuletide fitting a kitchen in his new home.. yes, that's correct, the Beard has taken the plunge, and is now definitely, obviously and certainly a resident of the West Midlands, and is looking forward with anticipation and eagerness to the joyful day in April when the FMB becomes MB at last.... all he needs is a suit... and a speech.... and all sorts of stuff to be honest... oh yes, some rings would probably come in handy... but enough of that...

The Beard is phenomenally happy, and he has a sneaking suspicion that the FMB is also... at least, she hasn't hit him for several weeks, either with or without a blunt instrument... but there is still time... and at least the kitchen looks good... Dave the Builder and his crew have done a great job so far on the extension (ooh er!!) and the new cooker cooked... which is only to be expected... apparently...

But the hour grows latish, and bed beckons... a walk is on the cards for tomorrow, weather permitting, and the Beard is yawning, so it is time to once again wish those of you who have had one a happy newish year, and say that until all our new years become resolute, Wisebeard salutes you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!