So, nearly two months without the Beard.... how have any of us coped... least of all myself.... but already I digress...

Two months is a long time to go without blogging, but not a long time when one is attempting to organise a wedding, cope with building work, soort out a Scout Group, and move out of a house... seriously...

But the Beard is finally uprooting and heading for pastures new... on December the fifth, his tenancy officially ends (depending on the vagaries of the council, of course...)and he begins his new life as resident at the house of the Future Mrs Beard... and not before time, I hear some (if not most) of you cry... But worry not!!!! For the presence of the Beard within cyberspace will unfortunately be continued, as will his current employ... so the tramp like existence(part time) of the beard will be beginning soon... phew!

And of course, in true Beardlife fashion, delays and confusions have occurred, placing a large white obstacle in the way of his plans... that's right, for those of you who live in slightly less inhspitable climes, the snow has fallen on England, Scotland, Ireland and Wales, causing the annual bread shortage to happen several weeks earlier than usual.. and in that forgotten County which is Leicestershire, especially in the North West thereof, boy has it fallen... it makes the Beard glad that he is flying south, even if only as far as sunny Solihull.... now, the Beard has always been amazed by the public's propensity for buying bread and milk at the first sniff of a snowflake... personally, I buy flour, yeast and sausages... after all, bread and milk go off so quickly, and sausage sandwiches with hot home made bread is a far superior survive-the-snow foodstuff... but I digress.. or do I....??

Moving house, allegedly, is the second most stressful thing a person can do, trailing on the heels of a death in the family... styrangely enough, apparently the next two things are, in order, getting married and going on holiday... so the gods help anyone moving house to get married, then tying in the honeymoon with the funeral of uncle jack in australia.... But the Beard is actually finding it cathartic and soul pleasing... the very act of clearing out all the rubbish is something everyone should experience, both literally, figuratively and spiritually.... and the Beard has always believed in catharsis.. but then the Beard also believes in human nature and the power of vinegar, so what sort of judge is he...?? But, getting back off the subject, the Beard is really looking forward to finally moving in with the Future Mrs Beard...

Which basically brings everything as up to date as t eBeard ever is... hopefully, there will now be more time to update, and get back to the humourless randomness that is Wisebeard!!!!!it remains only to say that until all our tics are cathared, Wisebeard salutes you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

And isn't nature wonderful....

But is this art, as 17th century civil war rock group The Levellers once said.... now, in a month that brought us a new labour leader, a row about halal meat, a papal visit, and other such malarkey, we now have discussion in New Scientist magazine no less, as to whether video games can be art...

Now, those of you who know the Beard will be aware of his non-predeliction for the pastime that is video gaming... despite of, or possibly due to his enthusiasm for proper roleplaying games, such as Dungeons and Dragons and The Call of Cthulhu, the beard has yet to find a video game, regardless of console, concept or construction, that grabs his attention for more tahn a few moments... even the highly regarded Lego Star Wars achieved only a half hour... despite the hirsute one admitting a liking for both Lego and Star Wars....but I digress...

A brief discussion with a certain young electrical salesman of my aquaintance who does play such things only served to reinforce my own opinion... we both acknowledged the level of skill involved in the design of such games, and the artistic merit of some of the illustrations, for want of a better word... but as i said at the time, that's just having art in something, not something being art... for example, if someone in the amazingly tedious Holby City happens to be carrying The Haywain, does that make the antics of some peopel pretending to be in the medical profession art? I don't believe anyone would say so... which brings us to the nub of the matter... in order to say whether a game itself qualifies as art, we need to see it as a whole thing, an entity complete in itself....which of course leads to the Beard's answer...

It depends....

Which I will admit is neither useful nor enlightening... but then is art? What, for example, is art? Is a play by Shakespeare art, or is it simply artistic or artful? And believe me, there is a difference.... now, I think that art is a very personal thing... and it means different things to different people... now, lets take The Laughing Cavalier... is it art? Now, personally, and this is just my view, I have to say its not.... and neither is the painting that most people think of as the Mona Lisa... that is the one in the Louvre, as opposed to the proper one which is, if I remember correctly, somewhere in the south of England.... honestly... what Paris has is La Gioconda, which is a totally different painting altogether... and doesn't even match contemporary descriptions of the Mona.. but I digress..

The fact is that The Beard is of the opinion that neither of the two works mentioned are in fact art... well executed, definitely, works of immense skill, indisputably... but not art... whereas putting traffic cones on a sculpture in Leicester is... which brings us back to the question of what is art, and can video games be it...??

Well, as I say, it depends... in the mind of the Beard, art is something indefinable, and if we manage to actually define it, well, I for one will be slightly displeased... some would disagree that books or movies can be art... or that buildings can be, or the work of committees... but I believe that art, like beauty and Ed Milliband, is in the eye of the beholder... that is, if the observer experiences it as art, then it is art... now some would argue that art should be deliberately created... whereas I would argue that things can become art totally without their consent... but regardless of this, I think art should have some element of expression in in on the part of the (intentional or unintentional) artist... but most of all, it must resonate in the observer...

Now, lets take the Laughing Cavalier.... while not belittling illustration, which i believe to be a useful, intricate and difficult skill, the Cav is an illustration. It was basically equivalent to going and having your photo taken, and skilled and beautiful as some photos are, its not often that portrait photography is accused of being art.... now, some illustration can be art, but a lot isn't... in the case of the Cav, there wa sno deliberate expression of feeling, and although I can admire the skill, it resonates not one jot...

Now, lets take the Humbercones... for those who don't know, these are big green baize cones on a traffic island in Leicester... art? Definitely... overpriced not very good art? Possibly... as I say, that's very subjective... now, as for the "vandals" who regulary place stolen traffic cones atop these green things... well, I would call them artists too... this is after all an act of self expression, and it connects with a lot of people...it even has a hint of irony about it...

So, the Beard's conclusion is that a video game could be art, if it is seen as such... but I must add that just as I have never seen a book or movie that I would describe as art, so have I never seen a video game that qualifies... but you may have....

Now, as I may or may not have mentioned, the Beard has nothing against halal meat.... it keeps better and doesn't leave a smelly residue in plastic bags... and as for the method of slaughter, well, it wasn't that long ago that everyone killed animals in the same way... the only difference being that we left half the blood in the animal rather than waiting for it to be fully drained... and studies in Germany suggest that stunning the animals first may actually lead to more distress than cutting their throats without stunning... and a lot of halal slaughterers stun anyway...

In a related thing, a study of those strange beings known as people has shown what the Beard has already known for a long time... that faced with information that challenges a persons moral stance, that person is more likely to change morals rather than behaviour... for example, finding out that chickens farmed for a restaurant are kept in small cages does not lead to people boycotting said establishment... it instead leads to people saying to themselves, "well, if we didn't farm intensively, we couldn't grow enough food..."

Now, the Beard has always remained true to his morals.. but then they were always pretty low anyway... I've always been pro battery hen, pro factory farm, and pro genetic modification... after all, people have got to eat, and I have no wish to go back to a time when eggs and chicken and indeed meat are seen as luxury items... and as I don't like meat with blood in it (on the rare occasions I eat a beef steak, it has to be well done, with no blood at all...) then I have no problem with halal meat... and to those who say they have religious objections, well, try saying a prayer to your god over the meat... and to those christians who say that god won't accept that, well, please remember that when you're decorating your christmas tree (Isaiah anyone?)... and don't go into any Indian restaurants... or buyt New Zealand lamb for that matter... lets be honest, Christians should be eating kosher meat, and halal is identical... as are the Muslim, Judaic and Christian Gods... so they should have no problems with each other foods... unless the spectre of tradition and hypocrisy creeps in... as if it would....

But it grows late, and the Beard grows shaggy.... it remains only to say that I hope Ed Milliband decides what to be, and that until we all become artful without dodging, Wisebeard salutes you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A worrying time...

is usually five in the morning, unless the Beard is still asleep... but today the Beard, while ascending to the heights of Foel Fras, and indeed ascending to the heights on Foel Fras with the incredibly beautiful FMB, was struck by a sudden nagging concern... triggered by a memory of a Russian girl in a supermarket.... of which more later... or even now... to cut a short story long, said girl was astounded many moons back at the great British idea of putting on a tin a picture of the foodstuff in said tin... until she saw the cat food and was horrified... now, the Beard thinks, what if she had seen baby food... but this led the Beard to worry about labeling... for example, we all know what sunflower oil is.. and sesame oil, peanut oil, olive oil... but what of the horror that is baby oil... and the Beard has often visited pork butcher in search of cut up pig and sausage, but the father of a friend of beard Junior claims to be a family butcher.. should the police be informed...

But i digress... it is nearly midnight, and this short entry must suffice... but until all our sausages become emulsified high fat offal tubes, Wisebeard salutes you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

But who's counting...???

So, the Beard had the possible misfortune of watching Stallone's latest action fest, The Expendables.... written by Stallone himself.. and in a way it shows.. not least due to the massive yellow "written by Sylvester Stallone" in the opening credits.... but I digress.... Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzennegger both paid for their new lavatory seats with a couple of cameos that increased the amount of acting in the film by approximately 300%, and I must admit that Jet Li did a very good Jet Li impersonation... but then, he usually does....

If you measure the excellence of films by the number of bangs (oo er missus) then The Expendables must rate as the best film ever made... seemingly a near remake of the quite good 70s adaption of the quite excellent Frederick Forsyth book "The Dogs of War", which itself starred the almost excellent Christopher Walken, Stallone's action epic does sometimes ascend to the heights of ridiculousness.... now, the Beard was never one for lists.. I've always seen myself as two for lists.... and when it comes to ticking boxes, well, the less said the better.... but the Beard managed to count no less than 127 action movie cliches in the short space of two hours or so... that's over two cliches per minute, which the hirsute one believes to be a record for the genre....

Now, cliches are not necessarily a bad thing... though I tend to avoid them like the plague... or even the plaque.... strange how having a blue plaque on a house is a good thing, but if you were to apply the same to your teeth.. well.... but I often think that we should be devoting some of our time as writers to inventing some new cliches... true, cliches can be overused.. lets be honest, its the mark of a cliche... but there must have been a time, back in the long ago, when cliches were fresh, new and interesting... someone invented them, and they caught on. and why?? the simple reason must be that everyone related to them in some way.... they were easy to understand, they spoke to people, people enjoyed them.. so we still use the most obvious similes, the stereotype, the action scene that we all expect... we're like Hobbits with their books... books that tell them things that they already know, set down fair and square with no contradictions.... lets be honest, who wants to waste several seconds of ther life trying to work out what something means, or being surprised by a plot twist...

Lets be frank, life itself is a cliche... people going around, doing the same things over and over again, exactly the same as every other person.... occasionally some of us attempt to break out of this cliche cycle, and for a few moments we do, climbing that mountain, diving in that ocean, visiting that distant star... but then we descend into the cliche again, roasting that dinner, sunbathing on that beach, watching that cliched movie.... some would say that was disappointing, depressing, in some way bad.. but not the Beard... as I say, cliche can be good... different is good, yes, but cliche is safe, comforting, easy to understand, and without some of that, our lives would be well, unsafe, uncomfortable, puzzling, and so stressful that we'd all die of heart attacks at an early age.. and that would be no good for any of us.... least of all me...

Now, over the last montha nd a bit the Beard has been out and about, visiting the wilds of Kidderminster, the milds of Anglesey, and quite possibly the filds of the West Midlands, if such a thing exists... and let me tell you, as hair grows upon my chin, they do... seriously.... but life has been quite active, with camps, trips and a dip in the swimming pool, where the Beard, FMB, FSB and beard Junior witnessed several unwitting displays of the standard homoerotic behaviour that is known as male bonding... a visit to IKEA (always spelt in capitals.. the Beard wonders if it is indeed an acronym, and if so, for what...) has revealed the shape if not the sound of the future kitchen, and the work on the extension (yet more oo but slightly less err missus!)has sort of begun....

The Beard himself is settling into domesticity at an alarming rate, so alarming that he ahs just realised that the old blog has lacked update for much much more than the regular monthish.... for which I apologise... although, to be fair, which I usually am not, my sort of faithful audience has probably been sighing with relief as a result... but this update, of appalling quality though it be, is at last here... sorry... but then, my lateness has probably become a cliche in itself, especially with those who have been kind enough to employ me over the past few years.... but then flexibility has always been the Beard's watchword.. just ask the Future Mrs Beard.... but yet again I digress.... and the Beard has other things to do... althouigh to be honest, I'm not sure exactly what.. but then I never am... so it remains to say only that we should remain safe in our cliches, and until all our filds are wild and mild, Wisebeard salutes you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happiness, and the lie of altruism.....

Now, those who are aware of the Beard, and some who are not, will know that our hirsutely faced wisdom speaker is not a believer in altruism... not to say that he does not believe in doing good, and helping others, even at the expense of personal gain.. oh no.. but the whole idea that we can somehow go against nature and do things that help others and bring no benefit to ourselves.... let me explain.... first of all, I believe that altruistic acts simply don't exist... all acts are acted for benefit.... pure and simple... the problem is that we are so used to seeing ourselves as individuals, and (for some strange reason) something special, that we fail to understand that when we put ourselves out to benefit others, we are doing it, conciously or subconciously, to benefit our species.. and whta benefits our species ultimately benefits the individual...

If nothing else, performing an act that helps another but inconveniences yourself causes others, not necessarily the beneficiary, to become better disposed to the helper.. this then increases the amounrt of help that the helper could possibly receive in future.... so the act ceases to be altruistic, regardless of whether the person involved sees it as so...

But lets be honest with ourselves... there are not many of us who do not have in the back of their minds some ulterior motive, no matter how well hidden... for most of us its some vague belief in some afterlifely reward... personally, I'm honest enough to admit that i only help others because I accept that its a species survival trait, and that I always get something out of it... I end up feeling happier... and that to me is a good enough reason...

Or is it? Personally, the Beard has always been at least slightly Macchiavellian in his outlook... I'm a definite believer that the good end justifies the means... and if people get helped, does it matter that the person helping is doing so merely for his own kicks?? Well, some of you out there probably think that it does matter.... and possibly it does... but, be honest... if you were stuck in a ditch, would ou refuse a hand out from someone who admits that he's helping you simply because it makes him feel good?! Is that better or worse that helping someone because you are paid to? Apparently so... I was told a while ago that helping people in exchange for money is at least "honest" in a way that helping for kicks isn't.. which I think says all you need to know, at least on that subject...

And on the subject of subjects, the Beard admits that while he is a fan of prounouns in the subject, he somehow objects to them in the object... but that's by the by... suffice it to say that the Future Mrs Beard is now winging her way back to the arms of Beard, and the Beard is feeling happier by the minute.... so he'll sign off now, pausing only to say that until all our subjects are objects, and our means are end justified, Wisebeard Salutes You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dennis Moore.....

Who, in the words of the possibly immortal Mr Python, did indeed rob from the rich and give to the poor, much as Russell Crowe attempted to do in the recently Beard-viewed Ridley Scott epic, Robin Hood.... better by far than the awful Forestry commission bound Prince of Thieves, if only because it has the audacity to invent a French invasion, the landing craft, a whole new legend of the Hooded one, sideline the Sheriff, and keep a straight face while intoning towards King John that "an Englishman's home is his Castle...." Pausing only to remember that his own father wrote the thing that might have become Magna Carta, Russell Crowe and his accent gallivant from one side of the channel to the other, pretend to be knights, hold a folk rock night in the hamlet of Nottingham, a smallholding of only 5000 acres or so.... which to the Beard's memory of such things is a quite impressive seven and a bit square miles... or around a quarter of the size of todays current city.. a fairly healthy holding, although Cate Blanchett tries several times to play it all down.... but, like Crowe's accent, she doesn't fool anyone.... at least Terry Scott... sorry, Mark Addy, as Friar Tuck makes a good go of being properly Hoodie.... and very near comes close to saving the film... apart from the fact that I kept expecting to hear him utter "oo er... crumbs..." all the time... perhaps Mr Addy may be pleased at the resemblance to the immortal Terry... personally i would, if only because of June Whitfield.. but I digress....

Now, Hollywood has a habit of taking perfectly good stories, legends and History and making a complete cock up of it.... and usually for no good reason... The Beard is of the opinion that those lovely Orange adverts have it right...you know the ones... but it seems that at least one person in the land of capped teeth and Caesar salads (Tell me on a Sunday anyone??) believes that stories that have been doing the rounds for hundreds of years can be improved by ignoring most of the content... and who knows, they could be right....

Now, the Beard could cope with this if the alterations actually improved or at least didn't affect the storyline... but, as in the case of Robin Hood, it appears that someone wrote a medieval drama, couldn't sell it to anyone, and so altered the names of the main characters in order to get the film past the beady eyes of the execs... which is a good ploy admittedly... and is apparently very necessary... but why, I hear you ask...

And the answer is simple... it's the fault of the audience... that's right... its all down to us.. honestly... the beard has often said that paradoxically we all seem to like something new, anything fresh and virgin, to quote the divine Ms Amos, yet we also love to stick with what we know.. so, in the early days of cinema, whatever was on was an experience... but even then the filmakers made movies of popular books.. but at least some of them tried to put new stuff on, and peope went to see it, simply because it was on... but as time went on, and going to the flicks became commonplace, so the films became a bit samey... and because of thsi dichotomy, we end up with peopel who have a new idea having to hide it within a new story... who wants to see a film about medieval intrigue that wasn't a best selling book?? the money men will say.... but who wants to see a film about Robin Hood.... well...

So the Beard lays the blame squarely at the feet of the general public... and still decries the heinous act of changing perfwectly good storylines for no good reason.... take Peter jackson's Lord of the Rings.... now, the Beard is the first to admit that removing one of the encounters with the Black Riders in the Shire was fine.. after all, how many times do we need to see the nail-biting Hobbits hoiding under a tree.... and the general public can probably do without the Tom Bombadil/Barrow Downs episode, despite it being one of my favourite bits.... but missing out the Voice of Saruman and the Scouring of the Shire is, basically unforgivable... as was making Grima fairly pointless.... if anyone wants a discussion as to the significance of this episode, drop me a line.. and as for the elves getting to Helms Deep... well, don't get me started....

The Beard's favourite electrical sales guy and the Beard himself often bemoan the fact that Hollywood has no idea how to redo Anime films.. the only two that the Beard can remember being any good being Crying Freeman and Blood;The Last vampire... and of course, we all understand Alan Moore's reluctance to put his name on movies adapted from his work.... Watchmen was basically ok, admittedly, but V for Vendetta remains unwatchable to fans of Moore's original...

But as I say, it's our own fault.. if the general populace were willing to take the occasional risk, then maybe we would see more and more originality.... but that's probably asking too much... after all, go to any cinema as the filmgoers are coming out, and ask their opinion of the film... 99% of them will sing its praises... 80% won't be able to tell you the plot, but that's by the by... the rest will be made up of people who don't want to appear different, poor people who don't want to admit that they just spent a couple of days pay on being bored... but that's folk...

Still on the subject of films, the Beard and his future Beardess went to see the almost certainly execrable Sex and the City 2... which admittedly had its moments... there were moments when Sara Jessica Parker was off screen, which is a bonus in anyone's book, and then there was the cameo from Miley Cyrus... which was worth the admission price alone... now the Beard never used to rate the young Miley, being more of a Hilary Duff fan... but then apparently 75% of us will have mental problems at some point.. but I digress.... but all in all, it wasn't the worst way to spend an evening... and at least the only sportsmen featured were rugby players... which was a merciful relief.... and at least among the racial stereotypes and awful clothes, there was at last the hint that, as the Beard has suggested in the past, Sex and the City is not as liberatingly feminist as it always made out.... but is in fact the exact opposite... but at least it wasn't football....

The Beard has luckily managed to escape said overrated playtime so far... not one game have i seen, not one score do i know, and my life is no worse for it... several have attempted to inform the Beard of the progress of the England team, and I am sorry to say that i seem to have perfected at last the skill of not actually taking any of it in.... now, if I could do the same for all useless information, perhaps the friends of hirsutery would be happier... or perhaps not...

The emphasis on football has however re opened the whole thing about heroism.... now, call me churlish if you dare, but a bunch of overpaid nancy boys kicking a ball about and taking time off from injuries that the average kickboxer would ignore doesn't seem all that heroic.. and to suggest, as one newsreader did that somehow these short wearing millionaires would somehow save the country seems at the very least naive, and in my opinion insulting to the thousands of men and women in HM Forces who are actually charged with that job for real... now I'm sure that if kicking a ball around a field really could save our country, the boys and girls in the Army Navy and Air Force would be the first to buy some studded boots.... and to be honest, if the Beard is to believe the little he listens too, if it was down to the England Squad to save us, we'd be ruled by a different country each year.... which may not be a bad thing.... but yet again I digress...

So to sum up... try something new, don't worry about sport, give a big cheer to our lads and lasses in DPM, and various blues, and please please please lets start bigging up real heroes.... and as a postscript, the Future Mrs Beard and the Beard's tent are up in the Outer Hebrides, a lovely part of the world... of which more later... but until we stop hailing zeroes as heroes, Wisebeard salutes you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nights, rights and fights...

And after perusing his rhyming dictionary, the Beard yet again comes up with some vague and puerile ideas of a tedious yet irrelevant subject to partially write about.... but there we are... now, a lot is said about the rights of the community and of the individual... and lets be honest, it doesn't matter when i'm writing this, there's bound to be something in the newspapers about this, even if just in the Star and the Mail... but i digress...

the point is, as anyone who even vaguely has an awareness of the Beard knows, the hairy blogger is in fact an anti-rights campaigner... yup, that's right... the Beard is actually a firm believer that rights actually muck everything up big time.... now, my biggest problem with rights is that it seems totally impossible to give someone a certain right without it either impinging on someone else's or being impossible to enforce....

for instance, gay people (and I have nothing against them) apparently have the right to get a full and proper Muslim wedding.... but the Muslims (and again, i'm not anti muslim...) have the right to freedom of religion and conscience... and their religion and conscience tells them that homosexuality is wrong.... so, whose rights come out on top? Well, seeing as both groups have the right to fair and equal treatment, it leaves us with a sticky impasse... we can't enforce the gay rights without stamping on the islamic ones, and verse visa..... and this is the problem.... and that's just one case... how about the supposed right of everyone to have enough food and sufficient shelter.... that means that no one should have to pay for food and housing, if followed to its logical conclusion... then there's the right to.. and so on... the sort that affects us most often though is the one where a person exercises his rights to the expense of anothers... for instance, a man's right to smoke in the park versus another's right to breathe unpolluted air... the right of someone to play loud music opposed to the right of another to have a peaceful kip... the right of one to cut down a tree opposed to another's right to enjoy the shade... and this is where rights really fall down....

So, what is the solution.. if indeed there is one...?? well, i firmly believe that what we should do is get rid of rights altogether... and introduce a system of privilege and rresponsibility... did i say introduce?? Well I should rather say reintroduce... after all, that's what we used to have, before those with the privileges turned them into rights in order to keep those perks without having to exercise their responsibilities.... now, it should be pretty simple to make up a code of conduct that fits our society.. or indeed any society.. lets be honest, a bunch of six year olds at my Beaver Colony can manage it, so you'd think so called adults could... we could start with "It the responsibility of a person to respect the wishes of others and consider the impact of his or her actions on other people..." that's pretty easy, and possibly obvious.... and would lead to a lot less antisocial behaviour.... tied with this, a list (almost certainly longer ) of the privileges that go with keeping to the code.. for example, the privilege of being paid in exchange for work, and the privilege of free movement throughout the world, or the privilege of eating sufficient food to sustain life...

Now the crux of the matter.. we make it the rule that if anyone in society reneges on their responsibilities, they automatically lose all their privileges... not just a few, but all.. this is not a pick and choose exercise... now, that may strike some as harsh.. but it may encourage people to think a little more about others rather than harping on about themselves... and it would lead to a better society.. if people know that responsibility is a part and parcel of life, it can't be a bad thing....

But I hear you all say, doesn't this bode badly for victims of the abuse of human rights?? Well, not really.... because the rulers will be bound by the same responsibilities as their subjects.... which means that if they forget those responsibilities then the people will be able to take the rulers' privileges away.... with a lot more ease and freedom of conscience than they have now.... which must be a good thing....

Now a natural adjunct of this would be the reintroduction of outlawry.. and lets be truthful, this does not mean running about in the woods looking glamourous in tights... no, better than that, it means that if a person breaks the law, then the law in return refuses to give that person its protection.... now, imagine the consequence.... if a person obviously and provable breaks the law, then that person can be trated in any way shape or form.... so, if you catch a burglar in your house stealing, then heaven help him, cos beating him up will not be an illegal act.... in fact, the victim would actually be perfectly allowed to take stuff off the burglar in recompense... sound good?? well, the only thing that stops us having a society based on personal and societal responsibility is our insistence on having rights.... so it should be obvious to all what we should do....

But on to lighter topics.... for instance the growing length of the days and the Beard's hair, mainly due to his having left his hair clippers in Solihull... but these things are indeed like circuit judges... sent to try us.... but I digress.... but it would seem that at some point our inaccurate measuring of days and nights will one day catch up with us... and hopefully when it does, it'll be good news for some, if not for all....

Now, on the subject of good news and of course good olds, last week saw a lovely trip in the hot sun to Dovedale, and the heights of Abraham, where the Beard and the Future mrs beard rode a cable car to the summit, went down a cave, and did other such Derbyshire related malarkey.... and a good time was had by all.. Beard Junior and future younger Step-Beard have been doing well in their respective examinations, and beard Junior has been gaining useful and paid employment as a general labourer... which is nice, as the idiom goes.... but the hour is not late for a change, so the Beard has not the advantage of a mind about to fall asleep, which may account for the budget deficit... lets be honest something has to... but there are things to see, places to do and people to go... so until we all have our rights revoked and our responsibilities evoked, Wisebeard Salutes You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mills, Hills, Polls and Lols.....

Now, it so happens that the Beard has been exercising his democratic rights in the past week or so, and as a result, we now have a government which, although the same as the last one, at least has different faces.... In the Beard's homeland we have managed to get someone local to represent us, who at least has good taste in certain things (he eats at my local chippy, and drinks at the Beard's favoured watering hole, the Robin Hood of Swannington... of which more later...) although to be honest his taste in shirts does leave a little (but only a little to be desired... but i digress...

The previous weeks have unfortunately seen a dearth of Beard related blogginess, mainly down to the active lifestyle led by the said hirsute one.... a week in Anglesey with the FMB, Beard Junior and soon to be step -beard led to much fun and mountain climbing, as 3104 feet were gained.. but luckily not at the end of our legs... a close encounter with a low door beam at Beaumaris resulted in slightly pained hilarity, and other such malarkey....

Also on the menu was a trip to Manchester (of which more later...) and a weekend of Bank Holidayness and random Hotelery... including a stay at a very nice albeit almost empty hotel close to Keighley, and a less inspiring Travelodge.. but then, Travelodges are what they are, and at least clean sheets and a shower are guaranteed.... en route to said Hotel, a slightly circuitous route was followed, leading to a lunch stop at the excellent Deerplay pub on Burnley Road, Bacup in the lovely county of lancashire... stet among lovely moors, with thankfully no whiff of a chain and a lovely line in food.. the beef rag pudding especially... godd food, good scenery, good beer and cider, good friendly staff... good all round... try it...

And on the subject of food, any visitors to Nick Griffin's ex stamping ground could do a lot lot worse than visit what is possibly the best Thai restauant in the North of England, the Thai on Aire... Now, Skipton Road Keighley is not necessarily a place yopu would asociate with Thai food.. but it should be.. after a plate of mixed starters, a fantastic curry and other such delights, the Beard and the FMB were ecstatically happy and rather full.... and get gone from your mind the ides of the pack em in chuck em out Thai place... the relaxed atmosphere, the genial host (whose wine knowledge is really quite good, to say the least, make this possibly one of the best eateries the Beard has had the pleasure of noshing in.... a tip.. try the Chenin Blanc/ Riesling blend.. exclusive to the restaurant, along with lots of other top class wines.... you won't regret it.... trust me.....

Now, food was definitely needed over the weekend, as it usually is.. but even more so as Bank Holiday Monday saw the Beard and FMB, along with one of that beautiful personages work colleagues in Yorkshire, at teh 40th anniversary celebrations of one of the Wise one's favourite films, The Railway Children.... now, all should by now know of the Beards predeliction for the divine Jenny Agutter, and of his liking for trains.... mix the two, and it becomes an explosive love fest... I was especially glad to see an Austerity 280 8F running along, as well as the BR Standard 4... but was slightly disappointed that 957, star of the film, was absent due to brake failure... but the beard did still get a tour of said locomotive, which would have been impossible had she been running.. plus a waiting room encounter with Sally Thomsett, a BBC film crew and a Boom was an eye opener for the sheltered Beard.... but I digress...

A short lunch and a long, twisty drive followed, including the beard following a sheep for two miles (no comments, please) until the very picturesque and slightly picaresque Gayle Mill in Wensleydale was reached, where the beard had the honour of watching a newly restored water powered sawmill cut its first plank.... which was nice.... then it was back down the M6, leaving the FMb in North Yorks with the prospect of four more days at work ahead of her....

now, as you may recall, I started with the election, and I was actually attempting to make a pont, or even a point, but said sharp object got lost along the way.... suffice it to say that coalition, cooperation and cohabiting all have their advantages and disadvantages, and that until we all get as many elections as we can comfortably handle, Wisebeard salutes you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Clock Radios.... or the Radio Times...

Now, there’s a lot of talk (again) about not changing stuff…. The clocks and the radio to be precise…. It seem swe may be facing a trial period, backkd by those who call themselves the main political parties, of not changing back from British Summer Time…

As is to be expected, there is a lot of opposition to this move, not least from Scottish farmers, but also from the beard himself… however, on this occasion at least, our oppositions tend to have different bases….

The farmers bemoan the fact that keeping to BST will lead to them not being able to start their day midwinter until12pm, due to the mornings being darker; the Beard simply thinks that we have far too much reliance on artificial time keeping methods…

Now, the farmers’ objection itself begs two questions… first, what did they all do prior to the First World War when the clocks were never changed at all, and secondly, why, when farmers are supposedly more in touch with nature that the evil city-folk, do they insist on eing welded to this artificiality….

Now, to the Beard it would seem that the problem all started with midnight.. rather thnm at miudnight… specifically with when it was decided that the day would begin and end at an artificial point sometime during darkness… prior to this of course, men (and women of course) marked the day using easily identifiable markers… it either began with sunrise, or more logically (to the Beard anyway) with sunset…. After all, the world began in darkness, so it follows that the day should… but I digress…

So, in the Beard’s favoured system the daty begins when the sun goes down (and generations of teens and other merry makers I’m sure would agree…) now, you don’t need a clock to tell when that happens… now midnight on the other hand… unless you know the stars quite intimately (as Tristan almost certainly does… Stardust, anyone??) how do you know when midnight happens…. Midday, on the other hand… well, that, supposedly, is the time of the day when the sun reaches its highest point…. Again, an easily recognized marker… or is it??

Well, when it comes to GMT (as opposed to GMTV of course, with the lovely Penny and Lorraine… of whom, more later…) which as close as we get in this country to proper time, then yes, it is… nearly... but under BST, it is closer to 1300, or 1 pm to those who can’t count as well… when the sun has already started going down… now we know that messing about with time causes problems, and not just for Dr Who… jet lag, anyone…?? So why not keep the country on its nearly natural time… good old GMT…

Now, as fro farmers working in the dark… well, its an old profession, predating clocks and artificial time keeping…. In distant time, farmers (and indeed anyone else) got up at dawn, worked during daylight and packed up at dusk… then came the clock…. Which destroyed all this.. which in the beard’s opinion is not necessarily a good thing…. Now, I know that due to Eastenders and Basil Brush people think they need to live their lives by the clock, but surely for some it would e far better to keep to the natural rhythm…. After all, the cows don’t know that it’s five o’clock…. And yes, it woulds mean working longer hours in the summer, and shorter in the winter, but then who wants to be stuck out in the cold and damp, apart from possibly the Beard…

After all, the clock only came about due to the desire of a few to regulate the many… and the changing to BST was due to factory owners et al attempting to save money and valuable gas during the war… The beard suspects that many people’s unhappiness with working hours stems from this artificiality…. Especially with younger people, who we are told seem to have the entirely unreasonable attitude that as long as a job gets done well and on time, who cares about the actual time you get to work…. And I hasten to add, it’s not the Beard who thinks it unreasonable….

What is unreasonable in the beard’s eyes is the assumed fact that this move with BST is only being proposed to get us in line with the rest of Europe…. And that means that in a few years we will find that we use BST only in the winter, and that in the summer we will again put the clocks forward… so that, for instance, what counted as 1400 hours today (that is, 1300 hours GMT) will actually be 15:00 hours…. So, in august, when we are used to the sun rising at about 6, it won’t be up until 7… which, to those of us who want to live by the natural markers won’t actually matter… but I can see a lot of people (especially those blighted by Seasonally Affective Disorder) not liking it much…

Now, we all live in the middle of a digital revolution… broadband wireless internet and digital TV are here…. And the choice we now get is astounding…. I myself have digital freeview, and instead of not watching 5 channels, I can actually not watch nearly eighty…. Which is progress of a kind….now, the digital switch over in TV I can understand, to a certain extent… most people have bought into digital already… the stuff available on analogue is duplicated on digital… so why bother wasting energy and resources on the old, less watched, less choice system.?? True, in some areas reception was not as good as it could be, and there was the problem with recording something while watching something else, a problem now basically solved… but the radio seems to be a different matter….

If people are voting with their pockets in favour of digital tv, the opposite seems to be true of digital radio… first, sales of such seem to be slow, where sales of normal radios are steady… and its not due to lack of availability or advertising…. Signals (in my experience and that of others) are patchy and inconsistent, and the amount of interest not shown in many digital only stations is apparent mainly by the rate that said stations are closing down… and lets be honest, most people seem to change their tvs fairly regularly for one reason or another, but rugged radios are seen as a product that you buy and replace only when necessary…. Especially car radios…. And there is also the fact that digital radios use a lot more power than normal ones… just stick some batteries in a digi radio and see how long they last….

Now, as I say, switching off something that most people apparently don’t want is fair enough… that’s just business, and its why you no longer see Fry’s chocolate Sandwiches, and Cresta pop…. But switching off something that people obviously do still want seems to be a cynical attempt to force them to buy products that they obviously don’t want…. For if they did, surely they’d be buying it already….. apparently this desired closing down of analogue radio is to give greater availability of bands to the mobile phone people…. Which is pointless, because, lets be honest, everyone wants better signal on their mobile, but no one wants a phone mast near them.. so regardless of how much airspace is available, we still won’t be able to get a signal where we need it most…. But enough of that… I’m sure we all know where the Beard stands on NIMBYism…. So the less said the better.. (unless you insist, of course…)

So until we all get the reception we deserve at the right time for us, Wisebeard salutes you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the big stir....

So, last week fiound the beard and beard junior at a parents evening... as happens to the best of us... and during said evenoing, as often happens, also to the best of us, a long wait was had by all... now those of you who know the beard (and some of you who don't) will realise that other people have a problem with me waiting... mainy due to the fact that i talk to people.. even those i don't know... well, i got to talking with that strange type, the physics teacher... as all know, the physics teacher is a rare breed... in more ways than one.. but of that, more later.... anyeway, two such were discussing the recent Horizon programme, that asked if what we knew about the universe was in fact wrong.... and of course, the Beard butted in...

Now, as is the way of these things, the main question was why do some things happen that shouldn't... which is possibly a metaphor for life too... but I digress.... in the end Fred Hoyle and the steady state was mentioned, mainly down to its lack of mention in the programme, and one of the teachers admitted that they had a problem with the big bang.... struggling to avoid the obvious answer, the Beard opined that he too had a problem with it... so much so in fact that i don't actually believe it happened... and as for dark matter.....

To give you all a little background... I won't try to claim to be any whizz at physic.. I got a perfectly bad A level in the subject, and read New Scientist, etc... and thats about it... but sometimes it does a discipline good to have partly informed outsiders messing around... I mean, look at politics.. or possibly not....but anyway... dark matter seems to me to be a bit of a cop out... and if it exists we should maybe be looking for it closer to home... i mean, why does all this strange stuff have to be parsecs away?? the point is though, that I really have trouble with the idea that one uber particle exploded and caused the universe... my problem is not so much the usual "where did that come from" creationist stuff (although I am, to be fair some sort of Creationist.... creationism and science are not mutually exclusive...) no, my problem is that there is a much simpler explanation.. that does not need a particle turning into lots of particles... cos it would have to be a bloomin' big one..

So let the Beard introduce you to the Big Stir theory.... which has several advantages.... which i will come to later.... simply put, the theory is this... once upon a nontime (don't you just love stories) there was a load of stuff... and i mean stuff... according to this theory stuff is important.... now surrounding this stuff was other stuff... it took up no space, because there wasn't any space yet, and it lasted no time at all, because there wan't any of that yet either.... it didn't move, because movement implies space and time.. but it did have an analogue of motion.... and it was "moving" about.... eventually it "moved" about in such a way that it did the analogue of swirling.... and the stuff then became arranged in such a way that it made space and time... as some of you may well remember, the Beard is a great believer that time is not the stage upon which we act, merely another of the players.... and so, as they say, the universe was created...

Now, the Beard is the first to admit that this theory has its own problems, but less so if you can get your head around acausal stuff.... and the Beard happily admits that he has, many times.... but to me, it seems to fit as well as the bang does... it explains the motion of matter, it explains the expansion of the universe (its not expanding, just moving towards the edges like the whirlpool in your tea cup appears to... oh, you don't have awhirlpool in your tea cup... well, I apologise.... but really, you should be blaming those who put the tea in Britain.... and I always suspect that they put it in the wrong place... but I digress....

As I've said, I refuse to accept that science and religion are mutually exclusive and incompatible.... in fact, or indeed even in fiction, it has always been the belief that the two are not even two sides of the same coin, but are in fact just different parts of the design on the obverse...look at the two... one attempts to explain the unknown, evokes powerful emotions, has leaders seen to be nearly infallible, sees itself as the only route to the truth and has millions of followers around the world.... the other is religion, which .... well.... does the same.... and if, as teh Beard believes (ssshhhh! don't use that word if there are scientists about!!!!!) religion is simply another version of that magical teaching aid "Lies to Children" then it seems to do almost as well as science in explaining stuff... because, lets be honest, most peopel don't understand how their washing machine works, let alone quantum mechanics.... and for most people knowing that God did it is just as satisfactory as knowing that a force we don't actually yet understand but is invisible and very powerful but definitely not God did it.... ad as i've said, the Bible itself agrees with most Darwinians, at least in the order that things happened....

But suffice it to say, I'm a fan of the Big Stir because not only does it seem to work scientifically, but it seems to satisfy most religions too.... to take the biggest, Judaism/Islam/Christianity (which are all the same, sort of...) they believe that in the beginning was chaos (the beards notime nospace of stuff) and that the face of God moved them (the stir...) as do the Japanese, and several others.... and if we can reconcile the two sides, all will benefit.... especially me....

But, as the Beard's mother has said, or maybe hasn't, enough of all that.... the Beard has been approaching things from angles this month, mainly because they are easier to draw than curves.... wardrobes beckon, as does a fancy vacuum cleaner, and the spectre of Maria Whitaker has reared its head... as it occasionally does.... and the spring is coming along (except where the autumn is) and the Beard's thoughts turn to the Future Mrs Beard, away in the land of haggis, kilts and bonniness.... and indeed of Bonny Ness.... entertaining the unwashed yet strangely spray-deodoranted masses..... and the Beard must confess a love for Scotland, despite having not been there for a long while.... in fact, last time there I may even have been Wisestubble.... but again I digress....

And for those who are wondering, and indeed for thsoe who aren't, the Beard is still struggling to see the movies that he fancies watching.... the Book of Eli and The Road have passed me by, and I'm assuming that the remake of Clash of the Titans possibly will... and try as a beard may, the Wise one is struggling to drum up any enthusiasm for Avatar... now, I'm sure its as good as everyone says, but the whole thing is leaving me cold.. I'm not sure if its the hype (which the beard never believes!!!) or the fact taht everyone I know keeps telling me how good the effects are without ever mentioning the plot, script or acting, all things far more important in my opinion.. but then I liked Blakes Seven, so who am I to talk.... but regardless, I sit here now feeling that if i do miss it on the big screen, I won't be too upset.... which must be wrong in some respects.... but anyway, the Beard grows tired, and feels it prudent to leave some for later... so until we all end up Big Stirrers, Wisebeard salutes you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, the beard was defending one of his favourite films the other day.... the magnificent 8Mile, which is, to be honest, not the sort of film that many would associate with the Beard... but then, most people would prefer not to associate with the Beard.... and who can blame them...but I digress... for those who have not seen the film, suffice it to say that it stars Eminem, who I've always had a certain respect for, despite not being into this hippity hop stuff... but anyway, the rapper plays a would be rapper called rabbit, who can't rap due to stage fright.... now, I went to see the movie grudgingly, expecting a gang filled rap fest... really i should have known better....

as I say, I've always respected Eminem... from the little i've seen of him, he seems to be a quite intelligent and humourous man, with an eye for satire and irony... to my mind the film sends a valuable message to the yoof.... because, contrary to the general run of similar films, our hero's life does not change when he gets a pretty girl and becomes a rapper... no, it changes when he realsies that the girl he wants is not worth it, that some of his no hoper aquaintances are just that, and when he decides to grow up, and figure out what really matters... and that that is not bigging himself up to other rappers, but making sure that he looks after his family, and knuckles down to some hard work... and the main trigger for this, subtley and subliminally, is getting a job stamping car panels... during which he gains the respect of his immediate superior by knuckling down... and therefore gets enough self respect to overcome his stage fright.... also the film has great views of the unfortunately late Brittany Murphy in a leather mini skirt.... but of that, more later....

Valentines day has of course been and gone... and the Beard found himself watching a great concert with the FMB, after an incredibly lucky train related incident enabled him to actually reach the greta metropolis of Birmingham on time, despite everything conspiring to prevent this... and the Beard is not ashamed to say that he shed tears when he was presented with a beautiful poem by said beautiful young lady... a lovely chinese take away (with the almost obligatory crispy seaweed) and a fantastic night later, and the pair were shopping in Tamworth, and watching romantic movies together... well, Mama Mia and Zack and Miri make a naughty film anyway.... which was nice.. and later in the weekend, a stroll around a lovely privately owned country park where one would least expect it led the Beard to ruminate on the nature of nature... but yet again I digress...

talking of trains, a while back the Beard was waxing lyrical.. well, waxing anyway.. about the reasons that trains were preferable to women.. a view which hee has severely modified in these more modern times.... but in the interests of the non advancement of sexism, I have been working on the reasons why men are worse tahn a certain item.. of which more later... but it grows late, and sleep beckons... so all I will say now is that I hope your weekend was a s good as mine was, and that until all our valleys are blythe, Wisebeard salutes you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1984..... possibly....

now, the other day the Beard was in touch with the other side.... well, radio 2 anyway... still possibly my favourite station, despite the almost demise of a certain Terence Wogan, Knight of the Realm... but I digress....

anyway, the point is that Jeremy Vine (not to be confused with his ersatz cousin, Jeremy Kyle... many have...) was holding a discussion on what you would like to see the back of on the date of the ending of teh decade... and what the beard and several others said they'd like to see the back of was people saying that it was the end of the decade.... after all, its simple maths folks... there was no year 0, so the end of the first decade was obviously 10AD.... so unless somewhere we added a year, or had technical difficulties and weree stuck with a decade of nine years at some point, it would follow that the end of this decade is in fact the end of 2010... just as 2000AD was the last year of the 1990s... honestly... and 2001 was both the first year of the century and the millenium.... but as i don't actually follow the Judaeo-Christian based Gregorian calendar, this is all academic to me.... after all, i have 13 months in the year.... but again i digress...

but it did get me thinking of dates, and one date in particualr kept coming to mind, the eponymous date of Orwells second most famous novel.... the most famous being of course the one with the pigs.... now, 1984 has been one of my favourite books since i did it at high school in Eng Lit... which is usually a sure firer way to turn people off any book you care to mention... but 1984 was a breath of fresh air after The Outsider by Albert the Camel.... a controversial book, not least because it was french, and was written in french by a frenchman.... which technically isn't a crime, but does beg the question as always of why it was being studied in English Literature.... after all, does a translation into Deutsch make Lord of the Rings German Literature??? personally I doubt it.. but again, I digress....

1984 was, if I remember rightly, the first time i argued with a teacher over the content or meaning of a book.... a thing that i did more famously with the ever lovely Mrs Degg nee Davenport when studying Hamlet... and yes, she accepted the validity of my argument, especially when i showed he rthe reference to "nunnery" in my dictionary of Elizabethan slang... but there we go... anyway, i got fed up with everyone saying that 1984 was some view of a future dystopia, when i was sure (and still am) that Orwell was being a damn sight cleverer than that....

you see, behind the one dimensional characters and thin plot lies the essence of the novel, and of the warning, if such exists.... not a warning against some evil totalitarian state, but a warning that the apathy of the proles (us!!) would lead to the perpetuation of the current system of government... yes, that's right... Orwell in 1984 gives us a picture of a world where there used to be three layers of society... the High, whose aim is to stay where they are, the Middle, whose aim is to become the high, and the low, whose aim is to survive... every now and then, there is a revolution of the middle against the High, using the low as foot soldiers... the high are got rid of, the top end of the middle take the place of the high, and the rest of the middle and the low stay where they were.... until the middle revolt again... and again.... the only strata which experiences basically no change is the low.... now, in 1984 Ingsoc, et al, have achieved something greater.. they have ousted the High without replacing it.... so there is now no new High for the remaining middler to expel.... the low of course have stayed where they were.... but the place of the high has been taken by a faceless, non existent character, Big Brother.... and as he does not exist, the middle rule, by a committee that, since it does not allow individualism, is perpetual.... the revolution has finally succeeded.... the middle know that the way to stop new rebellion is simply now to keep the middle in fear, and make sure that the low are preoccupied with an endless war, popular songs, novels, and are only taught what they need to be taught.... all that remains is to alter the language.... so far so totalitarian, yes??

but no.. take any totalitarian state yiou choose, and you will see that the High still exists... there is only one system in which the high has been ousted or marginalised, and a faceless middle rules perpetually... its called democracy at the minute, and its alive and well here... think about it... as teh great Winston Churchill said (and i admit this is a bit of a paraphrase) we always have the same Cabinet.. only the faces change.... in other words (hock!! shorror!!) the system outlined by Orwell is our own system... just as in Oceania in 1984, if several members of the ruling committee die, it doesn't matter, as it is the body that is strong, not the individual cells.... and just as in 1984, the proles are kept happy by slight increases in rations, the X Factor and popular television, novels and songs and films churned out in machine like fashion, and kept in fear of bombings and wars that actually exist mainly by agreement with the middles of the other nations... so there will be no revolution ever again... the system is forever, unassailable....

but don't take my word for it... read 1984 again, and ask yourself.... does the governmental system depicted remind you of Nazism, Faascism, Stalinism, with their real dictators countermanding their cabinets.. or is it more like the good old mother of parliaments.... I know waht I think.... and I'd be very disappointed in orwell if i was wrong.... but I'm going on a bit much for this late at night.... so, all I'll say is that New Years eve was a good one, and I'm off to bed.... so, until the future does lie with the proles, Wisebeard salutes you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!