Parties, Posts, and Productions....

So, it came to pass... but that's enough of the Beard's digestive-related problems.. I'm sure none of you are really all that interested... but I digress... it definitely came to pass though, which I'm told was a good thing... but anyway...

Now those of you who know the Beard, and some of you who don't, and possiby a number of you who both do and don't or don't and do, or any possible combination of the three, will of course realise that on top of falling, felling and Mrs Alice Jones of 38 Winzle Crescent Brighton, there are several things that the Beard is not fond of... (and for those of you wondering about the unfortunate Alice, it's a long story, but one which I will tell anyway...simply put, the Beard once read in some half garbled self help book that irrational fears can actually be beneficial, and so decided that he would develop one of the said Brightonian...I have never actually met her, and know absolutely nothing of her, but the thought of her ills me with terror, and, let us be hones, what could be more irrational, and therefore beneficial than that... but again I digress....)

As the Hirsute one was attempting to say ("Get on with it!" I hear you cry... "Our cornflakes are getting soggy, and there is literally nothing, not even war, that is worse than that...") among the things that I dislike are noise, crowds, football, drunken people, erratic use of the "Oxford comma," and staying up after midnight... so it may surprise you that the Beard was actually at a party the other night... football was fortunately absent, but in the speech patterns of those present I detected much misuse of my third favourite punctuation device... (for those of you who are not in the slightest interested, my favourites are of course "..." and ";".... with """ falling into fourth place... oh gods, what a life the Beard leads, ranking punctuation marks.. I must go and weep....)

Sorry for the delay... took me a while to find the tissues... which is an awful predicament for a man of my staure... or even a man of my statues...

But back to the gist of the tale... I hesitate to say "point," as I am, to be honest, struggling to find one... If you can help, answers on a postcard please... please!!

Regardless of all this, the party was not the most unpleasant one I have ever attended..no, that one was unspeakable and involved.. well, you can guess... but regardless, football was not on the guest list, but all the others were...

The occasion was the end of post production at the BBC in Birmingham... now the Beard, in his naivety, assumed this meant that no one at the aforementioned tv company was now allowed to send letters or parcels, or do anything that could create them... which would have been a sad day indeed for not just the beeb, but also the Post office, itself in hard times...

But no... post production, as all of you have almost certainly either figured out or not, is all the editting, tweaking and so on that finishes off a programme so that it is actually watchble... and any directors, cameramen, etc out there, please don't take that the wrong way... but I've seen progs being made, and if they were broadcast exactly as they were filmed, then "Homes under the Hammer" would be a three day epic of execrable quality, rather than just half an hour of tosh.... but I'm sure you know that already...

Pedantically of course, this means that post-prodution should actually be labelled "the last stage of production..." for surely post means after, and editing et al obviously occurs before there is a finished product... but none of that is important... which is the way of most television... as I'm sure they will agree...

But regardless, the Beard found himself in a room of tv types now faced with the option of moving to the strange fastnesses of wales, Manchester and Bristol, or even worse, the move to a world outside of television that they really cannot understand, and do not have the skills to live in... if a zoo were to do this with its chimpanzees, there would be outcry from conservation groups and babnana growers alike... but humans are, increasingly, less valued than their other simian cousins, and the BBC's cruelty is going unremarked... the Director General (the last of whom apparently was recruited from a temp agency) makes no mention of the end of the Birmingham operation... the news is empty... no one cares... it's as if the whole of the BBC wants to forget that Birmingham ever existed... which apparently is not an uncommon feeling... that this all connects with London's jealousy of Birmingham's growth and position is self evident, and has been explored somewhere else...if I remember correctly...

So, at the noisy party, gruntled people were not much in evidence... and the Beard, with his innate dislike of people in general, found that this added to what enjoyment he could glean from the affair... the attendees fell into one of three camps... those who were otherwise normal folks who had, through no fault of their own, been sucked into a career in visual media, those who were so shallow that they saw their positions as important, and those from the cardboards tents outside who had gatecrashed... including a rather disturbing looking man who stood by the door to the toilet all night, causing many crossed legs..

The Beard unfortunately slightly upset one of the first camp by not recognising any of the progs he had worked on, and admitting that the Beard is far more of a radio man...had it been a shallow man, the Beard would have taken pleasure... however, it was rather a poignant episode...

The shallow ones were the most fun, as you can imagine... One young lady was walking around apparently talking only to those who could possibly further her career... after eavesdropping (a very difficult thing to do in those volumes) the Beard thought her shallowness worthy of note, and was gratified when she approached him... now, parties bring out the worst of the Beard... and when she inquired as to my role, I declared myself to be the UK Commisioning Agent for AmritsarGold TV, a (hopefully) fictitious Indian production and broadcasting firm... her interest waned, until I claimed that we were only a small company, with average viewing figures of around 23 million, not counting syndication to Africa and the USA... her face lit up as she inquired further, and it was revealed that the Beard apparently has the job of buying foreign programmes for the broadcast side, and is in charge of a new venture involving producing programmes in the UK using UK professionals... for which pay would not be high... funded as it is by advertising revenue alone, AGTV would be unable to pay directors, series producers, etc, much more than 150 grand per programme... programmes of course taking three months from beginning to end... the poor girls eyes were lit up with hope when the Beard unfortunately saw someone he really had to talk to... the long suffering Mrs Beard.... and maybe I shouldn't have done it, but hey, apparently one is supposed to enjoy oneself at parties..

But time draws on, and the floor beckons my feet... so little room now to mention the charming software bod who I think will be a top children's writer, and the clumsy drunken attempt at chatting up the Beard... and it remains only to say that, until Birmingham is remembered, and shallow people end up in the deeps, and production really is post, Wisebeard Salutes You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

News, views, slews and stews.. well, some of them anyway....

Now, as you all may not know, except for those of you who don't, if that makes sense (and I fervently hope that it doesn't...) the Beard never claims to be up to date with the news... the local gossip, possibly, especially that which he makes up himself on the spot, and never mind this country's tortuous libel laws... but I digress....

However, two recent articles have caught the hirsute eye of this blogster... and, unrelated as they are, it seems thematic similarities may or indeed may not tie them together...

Of course, contrary to any sense, let alone reason, the allegedly big news this week is that some poor French photographer has managed to take some topless photos of a certain kate Middleton, wife to a possible heir to the possible heir to the throne of this country... and not, as was stated erroneously on the radio today, the wife of the heir to the throne... (for those of you who may be interested, and for the sake of accuracy, the wife to the heir apparent is currently one Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall... and prince William is currently merely heir to the Duchy of Cornwall and to the Principality of Wales...)

But regardless, a lot of fuss is being made of this, and the Beard has to admit that he cannot fathom why... for several reasons... first and foremost, as was so ably stated by one commentator today, if a British magazine managed to get similar shots of the wife of the son of the heir to, for example, the king of Norway, would we feel the same? Of course we wouldn't... but why?? The Duchess of Cambridge is, when you get down to it, no more connected to most of us than said Norwegian... for despite our tabloids telling us that we somehow own our celebs, we don't...

Secondly, it seems to me that the tabloid press is being even more than usually hypocritical in this instance... had these been shots of, say, Victoria Beckham, they'd be all over everywhere... the French, of course, who value celebrity far less, can't see what the fuss is about...

Thirdly, of course, it has to be said that said Kate should really know that the press will be following wherever, and maybe should have thought twice about removing garments where she could be seen from the road.. and I know that it was a long way from the road, but surely most peope nowadays know about telescopic zoom lenses....

Lastly, and most importantly, the reason the Beard feels there is too much being made of it all is that after seeing the pics, the Beard has to say that what she has, is, put bluntly, not really worth seeing... I know we keep getting told about how beautiful she is, but honestly, she's just the latest in a long line of vapid, vague and bland thin women who are, I'm afraid, not actually attractive... although, bucking the trend, I must admit she is better looking than her sister...

Now I'm not saying that Kate is vile, or ugly... she's evidently not... but neither is she either good looking or sexy... and I know it's a crime to say so... but it's true... along with so much of the present day, from music, to art, to literature, beauty is very much a case of the Emperor's new clothes... people are beautiful because we are told they are, and we are told they are because they are rich and famous... it's all about image, shallowness and publicity...

Now, if the beard were any kind of cynic, he would be saying that maybe Kate is, as the tabloids claim, trying to stand in the shoes of the late Diana, Princess of Wales... that is, that she is learning how to manipulate the media and the public, and shamelessly self-publicise... for the Beard can but wonder what the young royals expect to gain from their injunction... the photos will still be published, the press will not change their behaviour, and the royals seriously do not need the money... and if you add in the fact that if they'd stayed quiet the whole thig would have been forgotten about by Thursday, then it just seems to the Beard that the only reason to make a fuss is so that more people know about it...

But I digress... the other thing in the news is, of course, education... and the news that the GCSE system with its course work si to be scrapped... which a lot of people are saying is a good thing... a return to the old system of learning for years followed by an exam must be better.... and being old, the beard must surely agree... or so you say.. but of course, as with most things, the Beard does not agree at all... but then, the Beard believes that the purpose of education should be to teach people stuff... and as we all know, except for a slightly confused couple of decades, the aim of the education system in this country has always been to restrict and regulate social mobility...

Shock! Horror!! Exclamation marks!!! That, I hear you say, is a serious accusation... and so it is, but one that bears thinking about...

Now, how many times have we heard young people complaining about what they learn at school.. when, they ask, will we ever use any of this?? And the answer of course is that they won't... so why learn it?? Well, as the Beard has previously stated, the reason school was set up in such a way was that the system was all about seeing who could memorise lots of information and recall it under pressure, a valuable skill to those who were going to have higher end, non repetitive jobs... and this system was chosen simply to favour the better off...

Simply put, imagine the following... student A has well off parents, who are educated, and have office jobs that allow them time to spend with their child... Student B meanwhile has poor parents who work long hours in a repetitive job, has to work himself in order that the family can pay the rent, and consequently has less leisure time or time with parents than student A... now which of these two is most likely to be able to memorise long strings of information in the first place?? and so, when theexam comes, which will be less stressed, and better able to recall/? And so social mobility is restricted... and all this stems from the belief that those in the higher echelons of society are better and therefore cleverer than the lower classes... and so, when universal schooling looked likely to become a reality, a system was devised to fulfil this prophecy...

Of course, occasionally a bright spark would emerge from low down, and he or she would be encouraged to advance, but only so far.. that way, rebellion was quashed, and the bright poor person was put somewhere where he could be kept an eye on... Which is one reason mine workers, with their love of proper education, were seen as more of a threat than other members of the working class...

The GCSE system, however, at least made a step towards actually educating people... let me ask, because I will anyway, which of these is your idea of a perfect education system... is it testing people incessantly and judging them by the grade they achieve there and then, regardless of any prospect of future improvement, or ist it allowing them to revisit older work, and redo it until they get it right? If you teach someone a practical skill in Scouting, for example tying knots, do we sho them a few times, then when they fail to tie the knot themsleves, call them a failure? Or do we carry on helping them until they are able to tie the knot?? Thought of in this way, surely the method of continuous assessment through coursework is, despite its shortcomings, a better method... unless, of course, you don't want the sstudents to improve??

But I digress... it remains to be seen what the future has in store, and so, until we all learn properly, and until the Emperor realises just what cloth his clothes are cut from, Wisebeard salutes you!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Travels of the Beardd... well, some of them...

As strange or not as may seem, although to be honest strange is a word that hints at far more than seeming, especially when used in connexion with the Beard, several months have passed since the hirsute blogster has put virtual ink to screen and posted anything of interest... I know, I know, oh ye regular readers of said blog.... if I'm honest it's probably several years since the beard has had anything interesting to say either on here or elsewhere... but I digress...

So, why the silence, I hear you ask?? Or, to be pedantic, why the absence of words.. for as you have probably realised, Wisebeard!!!! , no matter how many exclamation marks it has, lacks any form of sound save for that which the reader hears in his or her head.. for which I, as always, deny all responsibility....

Well, in order to answer the question, the Beard needs to take you back in time to a rather nice part of his life when he met the young lady destined to be Mrs Beard...As you know, that led to a house move to Solihull, and a one and a quarter hour each-way commute to the wonderland that is Coalville... But over that last few months, due to work developments at the beautiful Mrs Beard's place of employ, the family Beard has downsized, downpriced, and downpillowed, leading to yet another move... this time back to the Beard's homeland, that beautiful area of the East midlands that lies at the borders of Derbyshire, Leicestershire, Staffordshire and Warwickshire... and that, coupled with the house hunting, packing, moving, going on holiday and helping Mrs Beard move into her temporary digs in Bristol, along with trying to get on with wwriting that I actually get paid for or might get paid for, and still working full time,the old Blog has been sadly neglected...

But fear not Beard fans, for the Beard is back... at least, i assume he is.. but I may be wrong...

For those of you who are interested, which i realise is probably a minority of less than one, teh Beard has finally visited France... and a rather nice experience it was... as you all know, the Beard is a great fan of comics, and especially that form known as the Graphic Novel.. and to be quite honest, the french are possibly the greatest proponent of the genre... even more so than the Japanese, the British and the Amercans... so the beard makes no apologies for the time he spent hidden away in a Hypermarket reading Moebius (for those in the know, and for those who don't, the pseudonym of Jean Giraud, possibly the greatest comics artist ever...).... The adventures of Mike Blueberry being among the greatest westerns ever written....

Now the Beard has spoken several times about comics... and makes no bones about his love for the things... to me, a good comic is preferable to a good movie or tv show... and possibly even to a good book... and yet the comic is, even now, seen in this country as some lesser form of story telling... just as animation is seen as the poor relation of live action... but as any artist can tell you, a picture can be worth a thousand words... and comics for many used to be their entry to discovering the pleasure of reading... they are, when done well, like a film in still form... each frame advancing the story through the amalgamation of image and word, just as the cinematograph does... and they are suitable for adults, despite what some may say... adult comics deal with issues that somehow hit harder or become more accessible than if they were in any other form... and adult does not necessarily mean violent or obscene.. take Persepolis, for example.... and yet, comics are also very suitable for kids, being as they are a good halfway house between the childrens picture book (big pictures, few words) and the childrens story book ( smaller pics, lots of words)...

Which is why the Beard was saddened to hear of the demise of the Dandy.... and gladdened by news that it will survive, albeit in digital form... now we can moan all we like about the superiority of the paper comic over it's digital cousin, but like it or not, sales of paper comics are declining... and surely anything that encourages the reading of comics, that beautiful joining of art and literature, is to be applauded... ok, so you can't swap digital comics, you can't easily lend tham to friends, but lets's be honest, that sort of thing only happens rarely anyway... and there will always be paper comics... hopefully these digital ones will lead people to some of the good stuff out there.. hopefully, the modern, digital format will at least stave off the accusation that comics are old hat... but the Beard has always been full of hope...

I will admit that I was neer a big fan of the Dandy... I was more of a 2000AD kid... especially after the demise of Action, possibly the comic that more than any other inspired the more adult, darker, British comics industry that gave us Luthe rArkwright, Watchmen, Judge Dredd and V- for Vendetta.... and with more and more comics on the shelves that seem to consist mainly of a free gift, with one or to simplistic tv based stories and a rubbish quiz, maybe the digital Dandy will show kids taht comics vcan be so much more... so roll on December, and fingers crossed...

But it grows late, my internal spellchecker has decided to give up, and I still haven't told you about the Red-rumped Swallows, the possible Bonelli's and definite Short-toed eagles, Honey Buzzards and other such wonders, let alone the wolves howling in the Pyrennees, and the marvellous wildlife at teh new Beard-house.... but they can wait for another time... it just remains to say that hope springs eternal, and until all our springs gain that eternity, Wisebeard Salutes you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Royalty, poignancy, and racism.....

Now, it may or may not have escaped your notice, but this weekend contained a certain celebration concerning the royal family that we are currently hosting... and while the Beard has never been what you could call or Royalist (despite not being a republican either, he hastens to add...) he does have a certain amount of sympathy for an old woman who has no real choice but to try and look interested as hours and hours of boats pass by in the cold and wet, knowing that at the end of it she also has no choice but to listen to the by-now-superannuated Cliff Richard and (horror of horrors) several screeches from Cheryl Cole... if I'd been her, I'd have faked a bladder infection to get out of it before my Greek husband beat me to it...

But one digresses... The Beard was reintroduced the other day to one of Beard juniors once-favoured tv shows, from his very youth, I hasten to add... i speak of the most poignant childrens animation ever conceived, the heart-breakingly sad "Huxley Pig..."

Now, to the uninitiated of you out there, Huxley Pig and heart-breaking may seem to be unconnected ideas-wise... but the Beard is about to ruin your childhoods (at least possibly) by pointing out to you the finer point of the show, and something that I never realised until a five-year old Beard Junior began to weep on my knee... "why do you weep, oh son of mine?" the Beard did ask, attempting even then to inject an air of pretension into the proceedings... to which the young hirsute one told me that Huxley Pig was "sad..." i the old sense of the word...

Now, the Beard could not, of course, leave this unchallenged, and demanded that the primary school pupil explain himself... after all, i pointed out, in the three episodes we had just watched, Huxley had met a sea Monster, had a day on the beach, and had climbed the Himalayas... "But he hasn't, dad," said the youngster... and he was right...

The poignancy and brilliance of Huley Pig lay in this; the thing that most viewers never realised, or were distracted from by the fun fantasy elements... Huxley was a Pig who had arrived in a small, closed-for-winter seaside town, checked into a bare room in a run down guest house, and stayed there... we were never told where he had come from, and it became obvious that he was not there on holiday... and all he had to his name was "a suitcase full of clothes..." that his Gran gave him, which seemed to contain only dressing up stuff... and, most poignant of all, as pointed out by the son, was this... he never leaves his room... his only friend is a seagull... and he never leaves his room... he has a rich fantasy life, but, and this is very important, HE NEVER LEAVES HIS ROOM! What has gone wrong with his life? After that revelation, neither me nor Beard Junior could watch Huxlety Pig without crying at the futility of his life, and I believe that helped us both over a bit of a dark patch... and even today, I hope and hope that one day Huxley managed to find his own happiness...

But I digress... more important than the poignancy of pigs is the , well, not quite stink but at least slight aroma that has arisen over the plan to send the England Football team to Auschwitz... which even to me seems harsh, though justifiable... but, seriously, the trip seems to have engendered bad feeling over it's publicity-stuntiness... now, like it or not, footballers are role models... not very good ones, admittedly but role models nontheless, and maybe, just maybe this visit may make them better ones... who knows, maybe they can use this to promote the cause of anti-racism... which apparently is the aim... a film is to be made, after all... and as for the worry about whether the WaGs wil somehow desecrate the place... wel, the Beard has it on good authority that a lot of the visitors to said camp of atrocity treat it as a macabre tourist attraction rather than as a shrine or memorial... and to be honest, that is the very nature of things... one friend of the Beard claims to have seen someon eating ice-cream in the gas chambers, but the Beard hopes that such a thing is apocryphal... but regardless of their motives, if this can be turned into a force for good, then the Beard applauds it... but feels that he should mention to footballers, especially the higher paid ones... if you are truly wishing to promote tolerance and get rid of racism, then there is one good way in which you could do it... but you won't like it...

The Beard, you see, would like to ask one of the Premiership teams to take a lead in this... Man U would be a good start, or Arsenal... but whichever, please consider doing this... next time you hear racist chants from the terraces, stop playing and walk off... get changed, and go home... and make it very clear that the reason you are doing this is because you hate racism... if the racist football fans out there see that you treasure tolerance above football, they may think twice, then stop coming to matches and be racist elsewhere... but to the young people who see footballers as inspirational, it may inspire them to take a hard line against racism too... and that could only be a good thing... or so the Beard believes... but please try it... not just once, but consistently... oh, and I know this one will be even harder, but set a good example to the youth when it comes to respect of authority... stop arguing with the ref, and if you get sent off, thank the ref for his time, apologise, and shake his hand... it's amazing how much respect you will receive in return...

But it grows early, and even a Beard must sleep... so, until we all refuse to tolerate intolerance, and we all have the wisdom to fake illness to avoid boring and tedious irrelevances, Wisebeard salutes you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My breaks are broken....

And it came to pass that, after months of diligently putting in paragraph breaks, the great Blogger in the sky has taken them all out of my last post, and no amount of editing will put them back.... So, until the beard figures out how to do the little buggers, please bear with him... And until my broken breaks are mended, Wisebeard salutes you....!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cultures, vultures, and the problem of free will...

Several things have come to the Beard's attention recently... unrelated things mainly, or rather things related only by the fact they are made up of human experience... as are indeed most things... apparently... Indeed, the inter-relatedness or otherwise of things has long been of interest to the Beard, as those who have had the misfortune of talking to the beard in the pub will attest... or not attest, depending on their attitude to attestation.. but I digress.... But then again, what is the world of human experience but a digression, the most major one most of us will ever experience... or not experience, as the case may be... but regardless, it seems that the topic of conversation in scientific circles is the old chestnut of free will... new genetic research or some such has cast the whole idea into doubt... it seems that we may not have free will after all... again... now, where the Beard, as you may not know, is, if not a believer in, at least a hoper for, free will, his take on the matter is this... in the final analysis, it really doesn't matter... But Why??!!? I hear you ask... or not ask, or some strange halfway house between the two... simply this... whether we have free will or not makes absolutely no difference to our lives... our experiences will be the same, our pasts will not change... all that will disappear is the illusion of choice... and, let us be honest,if free will does not exist, if we are indeed automatons, then we have in the apst been automatons with the illusion of choice... and that means that even if we now know that such choice was an illusion, then we can get that illusion back... indeed, it is probably hardwired into us... but then, carrying on with the whole theme, it must also be programmed into us to doubt our existence, doubt free will, have the illusion of choice and then lose this and regain it... or not regain it.. but the best that can be said is this... that if we are automata, or automatons, then nothing is our fault, and we can at least relax knowing that what we do is all we can do... if, of course, we are programmedto relax... And I think here that we have the reason that all of us desire free will... that we do actually like to be able to blame people for their actions... if we are not automata programmed to want to blame people for their actions.... but as I have said, it doesn't really matter, so I will continue to hope that we have free will, since that is what I was programmed to do... The Beard is a great believer in freedom of choice... not that I believe that all choices are valid, or that people should be allowed to choose to do what they wish... oh no, far from it.... but no, the Berad believes that we all make choices, and that we are all responsible for our own choices.... that's why he has trouble subscribing to the old Judaeo-Christian (a nd mainly Christian, to be honest) idea of the devil being the root of evil... evil, in the Beard's non-too-humble opinion, is simply the making of a choice that harms the majority, or goes against the agreed social code... and thus means that those who do evil are not the poor victim-tools of some supernatural being, but are selfish, odious scum... Take for example the nine men convicted today of running a sex ring in Rochdale... they knew what they were doing, and delighted in it... and now their lawyer is appealing against the sentence... not because he thinks they are innocent, but that he believes that the BNP were behind the conviction, possibly by perverting the jury... now, the BNP are not my favourite party, and this event shows to a certain extent why they should never be allowed to run a bath, let alone a country, but they are not to blame for any of this... it wasn't the BNP that coerced and forced girls, some as young as thirteen, into these acts... and neither was it the Pakistani community, or Islam... neither was it their parents... The race card has well and truly been played on this one... and the faith card... and the "uncaring parents card..." One of the accused even said that if the parents let the kids out on the streets dressed as they were, then the parents didn't value the girls... so why should he?? Peopel have claimed that this is "definitely" a Muslim thing... that Hindus would never do such a thing... but it's nothing to do with faith or race... partly it's a cultural thing, or rather a mistake caused by misunderstandings between cultures... a good muslim girl would never dress that way... or be out on the streets... but there are plenty of Muslim countries where they do and they are.... like the Birka, this is a culture thing... in western culture, showing legs is not considered a bad thing... in Pakistani culture it is... in Malay culture, it isn't... and a lot of them a re Muslim... and, like rude signs, the person brought up in a certain culture interprets the signs differently... when westerners see a young girl with slapped on make up, they think Jordan... when traditional Pakistani men see the same they think prostitute... but then, when peopel stare at us in the street, we see it as insulting or threatening, where I'm told in Pakistan it is jst seen as normal... but more than a culture clash, it is this... most traditional Pakistani men when seeing a girl dressed in skimpy clothes with too much make up would indeed think this girl to be a lower class of person... but they would then either ignore her so as not to associate with something shameful, or they would wish to help that girl get out of the shameful situation she is in... they would not see it as right to rape and abuse her.. and this is where it becomes a matter of individuals... much has been made of the fact that whereas most child abusers are white, they work alone, whereas this was a gang of men who knew each other... but then, there are internet rings of white men doing the same thing... and its not surprising that they knew each other... unfortunately, families are sometimes the worst environments, and people do have atendency to seek out acqaintances with similar interests... if these men had been in a white family, they would almost certainly have done the same thing, and to the same girls... it is mainly white girls who are allowed on the streets late at night, and who belong to a culture that sees alcohol as being necessary for a good time... and are therefore far more vulnerable... the truth of the matter is, there are evil people wherever you look, and this is their own choice... and where it would be nice to get rid of all the evil people in the world, it just won't happen... so we need to be vigilant... and more than anything we need to help people in vulnerable positions, by keeping an eye open for the signs, and butting in where necessary, no matter how rude it may seem... As the beard has admitted, he's not one fro the Judaeo_Christian_Muslim stuff, but the book of genesis puts in quite well, when YHWH asks Cain where Abel is... in essence, we are all part of the same human family, and we should all be our brother and sister's keeper... the maybe we'll all be happier... and please everyone, lets stop blaming bad things on race, culture and faith, and concentrate on the real problem... the selfish, evil men and women who choose to hide behind race, faith and culture, blaming these three blameless things for their own deliberately harmful choices... for without them, the rest of us could live a lot more happily... But my time for digressive behaviour is alost past... an early start beckons, and so does the beautiful Mrs Beard... so it just remains to say that until will is free, and you is me, and land is sea, Wisebeard salutes you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Faces, books, baces and .... well, you can guess the rest....

So, the Beard is on briefly on this auspicious day to help out all you hirsutery-followers who have been forced to have the new time-liney format on the old FaceBook.... while fooling around on the old Interweb thingy last night the Beard came across a wonderful site... and not the sort you're thinking of!! No, in fact, an entire page of amateur FaceBook foolery that allows amateurs to invent apps for the social netidling site for free, and gratis... and bingo, if the Beard did not find, hidden away in the back office, an amazing thing... an app that allows you to get the old style FB back again... albeit only until one logs out... but it does allow you to cycle from Timeline to old and back again.. so, if you are at all interested, got to.... www.amateurfbapps.tv/timecycle/01042012/lirp'~a/html.loof and give it a go.......

and until we all have a fish to call our own, Wisebeard salutes you!!!!!!!!!

The rules of the game...

Now, the Beard has decided, for the duration of this little thought experiment anyway, to call himself a Football Fan... and why not.... I think I satisfy all the requirements of fanship... after all, I've watched one game under heavy protest, and found it boring, do not support any team, have no idea who is in the Premiership, won the World/FA/European cup, have very little to no knowledge of the major personalities, have played the game while young because it was compulsory, but stopped playing as soon as I could, and, aside from a small general knowledge of some of the basics, don't claim to have any real understanding of the rules...

There are those of you who have actually read this far... others will have taken my lack of footballiness to be some mark of inferiority and stopped about line 2... but as you won't be reading now, I shn't mention it... those who are still here will be thinking, "hmmm... not much of a fan really then... by what strange twist does this hairy wierdo (or possibly weirdo...) think he can get away with passing himself off as a football fan... and the Beard expects masses of support from real football fans who have become inexplicably angry at those who would dare say that the Beard is not a fan... they will stand up in their hordes and say things along the lines of , "well, football is a very personal thing, and each person can be a fan in their own way..." or, "it's perfectly possible to be a football fan without any real knowledge or love of the game...." and other such baloney...

For as we all know, football fans would actually say that those who disagree with my definition of fanship are totally correct... a fan, they would say, has a team... knows the rules... attends the games whenever possible or watches them on tv... knows who the stars are....

Now let's replace football with Christianity... Christians are apparently very angry with a certain atheistic personage who has claimed that most alleged Christians actually aren't... well, lets look at the evidence...

All you Christians out there... a few questions....

Do you know the rules? You've no excuse really... they are written down in an easy to obtain book called the Bible... just a quick quiz then... where is Christmas mentioned in the Bible? What does God say about decorating trees? What did Jesus say to alter God's stand on homosexuality? Where in the Bible does it forbid the marriage of first cousins? And what about dietary laws? And how much of your hard earned money must be give to the church?

Stuck? Ok, then... lets go onto the stars... What did Micah do? Who was Jeroboam, and why didn't he like Rehoboam? Who was Simom the Zealot? How did Naaman get cured, and what of? Who wrote most of the letters that make up the bulk of the New Testament?

And now for the events... the FA cups of it all... what festivals does the Bible say you should keep? When is the Sabbath? How many days and nights was Jesus buried?

And attendance... how many acts of worship did you go to this year?? And if you count weddings, funerals and christenings, did you go to those through fear of what God would do to you if you didn't, or just because history and tradition has told you that it's the thing that you do?

Now, to the Beard, if you don't like football, or know anything about it, you're not a fan... simple... and fans would agree... and football is a game... surely a religion should be even stricter than that, simply because according to its real adherents it matters more... so a so-called Christian who knows nothing about the religion really shouldn't call themselves a Christian... because if you read the Bible, there is only one way to be a faithful follower of God, and that is to follow the rules... which leaves an awful lot of Christians with a choice to make... find out what the rules are and follow them, and be a proper Christian, or find out the rules and decide not to follow them, or even not bother finding out the rules at all... and in these last two cases stop calling yourself a Christian, don't get married/funeralled in Church, and don't get your kids (if any) christened... because if the Bible is correct (and I'll leave you to decide...) the punishment for not following the rules is the same regardless of whether you know them or not... and as an aside, its the same punishment for murder....

The anger shown by some Christians over this is telling in other ways though... by saying that you can be a Christian quite well enough despite not knowing or following the rules, these Christians are giving out two messages that they really shouldn't be giving out... first, that they don't have any respect for their God, and second that they are so desperate to keep the numbers up, even artificially... which is why congregations are shrinking in many areas... as any parent can tell you, the way to gain respect is to set boundaries and rules, and keep to them... and as Muslims can tell you, the way to gain worshippers is by showing your religion to do the same, and not change with the whim of the worshippers... the reason Islam is growing has nothing to do with brainwashing (well, no more than any religion) and radicalism, and an awful lot to do with its perceived integrity and its refusal to alter in the face of a changing world... Islam, Judaism, Hinduism, Sihkism, Jainism, and many other faiths refuse to change due to some perception of relevance... their worshippers are usually of the opinion that if the world no longer sees their faith as relevant, then it is because the world lacks relevance rather than their faith... Christianity could probbaly do with taking a leaf from their books...

However, the Beard has waffled on long enough... it remains to be said that the old Beardmobile, that part vehicle, part dustbin and part temporary dwelling-place, has finally bitten the dust and is off to become an organ donor for those slightly more fortunate, and the search is on for a new one... and that Valentine's day has started well and has the promise of getting better, and that life is still an awful lot better tahn the alternative...

So, until we all follow the rules we wish to, whether cricket, football or hoopla, and until we all know what to call ourselves, Wisebeard salutes you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bonus!!

The Beard, as some of you are aware, or in true Heisenbergian fashion, aren't at exactly the same time, has often said that in order to save the world, it must become profitable... for an example, the moment big companies realise that they will make substantially more money cleaning up the atmosphere than they do polluting it, then you can almost guarantee that fresh air will be the big thing... likewise, when aid organisations struggling to save lives in Africa, Asia and other such places complain that they don't get enough help quickly enough, they are in fact missing a trick... they actually need to approach the big multinationals, and tell them that it is within their interests to make sure everyon ein these places is adequately fed...

But why, I hear you ask?? It's quite simple really... if too many people in the developing world die, then all these big firms have suddenly lost their large, cheap workforces... which means getting stuff produced in the expensive bits of Europe and the USA.... and that means having to pay more for your trainers folks.... even worse from the companes' points of view, it means that the average employee won't actually be able to afford them... which means either upping pay, or lowering prices... and either of those would be disastrous for the people with money... after all, how would they manage if their incomes decreased to around the two million a year mark...

So, the news that the boss of RBS has declined his bonus has had a mixed reaction... the Beard personally thinks that he should have refused it before all the fuss... that would have set a good precedent and been a PR miracle... and, lets be honest, he hasn't really lost much, has he...??? The Banks, however, feel that this is a bad thing... after all, if we stopped all the big banking bosses getting undeserved bonuses, how would they convince people of the right calibre to do the job?? I mean, a salary in 6 figures just won't cut it... The Beard remembers the days when bonuses were just that... rewards for doing something above and beyond... for example, if you made a really good sale that netted your company a healthy income, after working exceptionally hard and overcoming many obstacles, then you got some sort of bonus.. if you just did the job you were contracted for, you didn't... as an example... a worker at Fords once figured out how the company could save an awful lot of money... now, working out things like this wasn't his job... so, when Ford looked at his scheme and saw that it would work, they gave him a new car... Bonus!!

The problem is though, people in certain walks of life got so used to their business overperforming, and thus so used to gaining bonuses, that they came to expect them as a right... and we all know where the Beard stands on rights... so we get the examples of people making realy big cock ups, and yet still getting rewarded... big bankers... think on this... if one of your shop front staff, completely off their own back, decided to lend thousands of pounds to people who had no hope of paying it back, would they get a bonus, or a disciplinary action..???

Of course, there are several solutions to all of this... one is to admit that capitalism was all a big con, and overturn it, replacing it with one of the other big cons, or to regulate it better.... now, the Beard has nothing special against capitalism... no more so than any other system... the whole idea that working hard increases the prosperity of the nation and therefore increases the workers' standards of living is in itself not bad... the idea that wealth filters down from above, that the rich improve the lot of the poor in order that the poor can work harder to increase the wealth of the rich is not necessarily a bad thing... and in part it does seem to work... until you realise that people are involved... and one day, one of those people suddenly realises that he or she doesn't actually have to let an awful lot of his wealth filter down... that he or she can actually keep hold of most of it, possibly even all of it, because the poor can't actually stop him or her... because the only options open to the poor are put up with it, or starve... and once greed gets in there, it all falls down... as do all other political systems...

The problem is, then, that if we want to regulate capitalism, the only people in a position to do it are the people at the top... and if they were content to live their lives on a few million quid, rather than a few billion... well... who knows... the introduction of a maximum wage would help, set at, maybe, whatever the premier of the nation is on... although that could lead to spiralling pay rises for politicians, and none of us want that... better would be a system which allows bosses to earn a maximum of 10 times what their lowest paid full time worker gets... which may even lead to an increase in bottom end pay.... and it doesn't have to be onerous... if your lowest paid employee gets 15000 a year, typical wages in retail and manufacturing, well, it gives the boss a solid 150,000 a year... and put bluntly, if you can't live on that, you really aren't trying... and bonuses too should be limited, to maybe half a years salary... and, in a more radical vein... bosses; your success would not have been possible were it not for your workforce... so lets have a rule that if the bosses get a bonus, then all employees receive one pro rataed according to their pay... after all, if you've been so successful as to warrant a bonus, then you should be able to afford to spread it around....

On a totally unrelated note, last Friday saw Holocaust memorial day.... and the Beard was again carrying around a purple triangle... as opposed to the almost universal yellow star of David.... now, lest you think this is some anti semitic holocaust denial thing, may I clarify... and take you back once more to the Germany of the 1930s... along with the Jews, several other classes of people were "removed" from society... Gays, Blacks, the mentally disabled, Gipsies.. and among them all one group which stands out... the only group who actually had the choice of going to the camps or not... imagine if you were told that by signing a piece of paper swearing allegiance to the Reich, you would be allowed to go home and carry on as if nothing was happening... well, that's what happened to the Bible Students... they could even have lied on the form, and got out of it... but almost to a man and woman, they refused to sign, saying that rather than deny their beliefs they'd go to the concentration camps.... many survivors of the camps have said that the presence of the Bible Students in the camps, with their steadfast faith in God, and their refusal to become downhearted in the face of terror, made the unbearable almost bearable...

Now, which of us, placed in the same position, would show such strength?? Or would we be like Niemoller's people of "First, they came..."?? People like the Bible Students, those who have the strength or sheer bloody mindedness to stand up and say what they feel is right or wrong, despite the consequences, and to take those consequences calmly, without compromise, are the people who make a real difference... had their been more like them in the thirties, who knows what would not have happened... Their descendants are still around... they've changed their name, and the Beard, controversial as this may sound, has a great deal of respect for them... so next time one of them knocks on your door, at least be polite... Jehovah has instructed them to witness, so that' what they do...

But today's rant is at an end... If the Beard has made you think, then I'm sorry... that was the last thing he intended... but until we all have the strength of our convictions and the convictions of our strengths, Wisebeard Salutes You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shoplifting, chefs and shames.....

The Beard, as you may have guessed, is a big lover of food... by all definitions of the phrase.... so it was no surprise to find the entire family Beard and selected friends at the amazingly good value Wing Wah all you can eat buffet in Burton on Trent, home of Beer, the other night... the occasion, of course, was the coming-of-driving age of Beard Junior... who, as soon as his licence arrives, will be spreading terror on the roads in the time honoured manner.... but I digress...

Mankind has always had a close association with food, not least because we would die without it... unless the breathairians are correct... which I doubt... and so it was no surprise to anyone, least of all the Beard, who was far too young to be surprised, that almost as soon as books and radio and television began, we have made celebrities out of cooks... indeed, cooks became well known and famous before anyone else but kings, nobles, soldiers, priests and bandits... so suck on that actors and sportspeople... and even today the celebrity chef is still in vogue...

Which brings us to the case of Celebrity chef and thief Antony Worrall Thompson (other celebrity chefs are available...) ... Now, the Beard has not the competence, as Sir Thomas More would say, to decide whether Mr Thompson has a problem with kleptomania, or whether he just figured that self service checkouts are easy to fiddle and decided to get some free cheese... but it remains to be said that if Mr Worrall Thompson (who, along with Rick Stein shares the dubious accolade of being one of only two chefs who have never cooked on TV anything that the Beard has fancied eating... kudos instead to Jamie Oliver and Heston Blumenthal, who never fail to cook at least one thing he does... and of course to Ainsley Harriot, whose chefing may not intrigue the hirsute, but whose celebritying is at least annoyingly entertaining... Roccky Horror anyone??) had been one of the uncelebrities who make up the mass of the populace, the question of treatment for the problem would have been easily solved by a big fine, an asbo, or a light prison sentence... or possibly the chopping of a a limb segment, depending on where you happen to be reading this....

The Beard, despite appearances, was once involved in the law enforcement business, dabbling in security guarding, private detection and in store security... the first two of which were to be honest, mainly composed of sitting in cold damp places while nothing much happened... but the in-store stuff... well, when uniformed(as opposed to uninformed, which is what my contract stated...) it amounted to standing in fairly warm, dry, and well lit places while nothing much happened, which allegedly was an improvement... it was the plain clothes undercover boys who had the excitement...

In all that time I spent undercover in supermarkets, I arrested and deterred (as the phrase goes) well over two hundred shoplifters... and after comapring notes with others in the profession, came to a few conclusions... and while it's still true that you can't tell a shoplifter by looking at them, there are subtle clues to follow that increase your collar rate... firstly, groups of teenagers... boys tend not to be shoplifting, in my experience... mucking about, yes, causing trouble, yes, but nicking, no... groups of teenage girls, especially the ones wearing far too much make up and far too few clothes, especially if accompanied by a couple of girls dressed a bit more modestly.... well, they tend to be the ones to watch... whereas boys and girls wandering about on their own... well, they're just as likely as each other...

Strangely, though, the people found stealing most often, and taking the most value stuff, weren't who we expected...now, most people I've asked expect it to be "gyppos" (!!) and pensioners, and homeless people, or chavs... and while these sections of the public aren't by any means without their dishonest representatives, it was very rare that we got any of them apart from the pensioners... and those pensioners we caught had something in common with the biggest group of shoplifters.... and I'll bet you can or can't guess what....

Well, let's just say that we almost never had any cases of genuine hardship caught shoplifting... the people who genuinely had nothing tended to come to the back door and take stuff out of the bins... often with the implied consent of the management... no, the great majority of shoplifters that we apprehended were quite well off by the standards of the day... even most of the old people we arrested were on quite decent pensions... one woman we caught was stealing clothes and food, then driving off in a brand new Volvo estate... in the days when that was seen as the equivalent of a BMW... turned out that her family was subsisting on a joint income of just under 60 grand... and that was nearly twenty years ago, when your money went a bit further... and she was the rule, rather than the exception...

Where the difference was really apparent though, was in their reactions to being caught... the teenagers would be either bolshy then scared, or instantly terrified... the few genuinely needy ones would be apologetic and ashamed... the middle class would be indignant and blame us for their predicament... they were usually horrified... not that they were thieves, not that they'd been caught, but that we had had the temerity to lay hands on them and tell them that they were in the wrong... they acted, almost to a woman (and it was nearly always the women doing it) as though it was their right to steal... and not a few times we would be treated to an audience with the husband a few days later... and that would go one of two ways... either Hubby would be arrogant and threatening, telling us in no uncertain terms that if we didn't drop any charges we and the store manager would be sacked and never work again (I recall no sackings ever occurring as a result...) or the Hubby would be very apologetic and assure us that wifey was getting treatment for her problem...

Now, maybe some of these people genuinely have a behavioural problem that they can't help... but I'm told by friends of the Beard with experience of such things that those with such problems tend to react with shame and uncertainty when confronted, rather than with arrogance and anger... and thereforre draw the conclusion that the only problem most of these women had was that they simply couldn't understand why they had to actually do the same thing as commoners and actually pay for stuff... Now, I have no idea how Mr Worrall Thompson behaved at his arrest, but I hope for his family, his friends, his fans and himself, that he was confused and apologetic... because that could point to him actually having some sort of real problem rather that just being dishonest... and dishonesty, as the Beard has possibly not mentioned, is usually a bad thing...

But I run the risk of digressing, and I'm sure this rant has gone on long enough... it remains only to be said that shops are actually quite hard to lift, although holding up banks is apparently far more tiring... so until we all know what we deserve and how to get it, Wisebeard salutes you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Boob jobs and missing points....

Just lately the Beard has been hearing quite a bit about breasts.... for some reason, mention of the word on the radio or television seems to grab his attention, for soem strange, hard to fathom reason.... but I attempt to digress...

Specifically the news has been concentrating on breast implants, in particular some slightly dodgy ones from the continent... there has been plenty of discussion on tv and radio, and most of the voiced opinions seem to take one of two points of view... first, that if these implants are dangerous, then the NHS, our fantastic free health care people, should remove said implants, or second, the diametrically opposed view that those who had the implants would have been told of the dangers before the op, so basically stuff 'em and let them fund removal themselves.... Alongside this raged the usual argument about whether people should have had the implants anyway, with the usual "its just vanity" argument being faced down by those with developmental problems and those who have unfortunately had to suffer mastectomies...

In all of this though, the Beard feels that the major argument in favour of the view of those who feel hard done by due to these dodgy implants has been missed... allow one to demonstrate...

Imagine that you have gone to shop at a large, reputable supermarket... it really doesn't matter which one, and I'm certainly not naming names, because this is purely in the realm of the hypothetical... but regardless, you've decided to go there to buy some vodka... remember, this is a reputable shop, that sells foods and drinks approved by the laws of the land...

Now, when you get home, you make yourself a nice vodka and lime... or tonic if you must... personally I'd use the lime, but then again I think that lemon juice goes better on chips than vinegar does.. but I digress... anyway, after drinking your drink, and possibly another, you begin to feel ill... not hung over ill, but really gut wrenchingly painfully ill... and going to the doctors, you find out that the so-called "vodka" was actually industrial cleaning fluid.... even worse, after further investigation, it seems that the people in charge at the shop knew that this vodka was not fit for human consumption, yet made the conscious decision to buy it in and sell it to you anyway...

Now, in that scenario, you'd think that the unfortunate drinker would have a valid claim against the company, yes? And if the firm suddenly went bust and said it was unable to pay the medical expenses of the people it had deliberately poisoned then the NHS should step in and help... yes??

Well, in the boob job case, the company responsible for the implants knew that the silicon used was not approved for use in humans... and that, my readers, is the big scandal... that this apparently reputable company deliberately let these women have illegal and dangerous substances put inside them....it's not a case of the vain woman suddenly changing her mind... this is a whole bunch of women who were prepared to take a risk and have an operation, suddenly finding out that what they got was not what they ordered, and have found that they have taken a risk that they weren't warned about... and that's why we should be hunting down whoever is responsible, and making them pay the NHS to sort this out... or so it seems to the Beard....

It seems that in cases like these, and there are many, peopletend to latch on to just one part of the story, then fit their pet argument into the mix, even if, possibly especially if, their opnion actually makes no sense when applied to the actual stated problem... most simply spout their own, usually indefensible prejudices, without caring about context... it doesn't matter what the actual problem is, someone wil always manage to use it in oder to turn the conversation towards whatever it is they happen to hate... for example, in the above dodgy implant thing, people ignore the fact that people have been sold stuff under false pretences, and simply berate the woman who chose to have a boob job... when the riots happened, everyone was very quick to blame the alleged prevalence of American ghetto culture and the ease with which smarphones can be used, rather than asking why all of a sudden a bunch of people decided to go on a robbing spree... actually though, the Beard knows the answer... it's simply human nature... the only thing that stops us humans stealig and fighting and just doing what we damn well please is fear... not civilisation, that elusive and almost certainly non-existent state to which we aspire, but fear... fear of getting hurt, fear of getting caught... lets be honest with ourselves, if we thought we could have gotten away with it, we'd have been there too, getting a free television and some perfume for the Mrs... just as, without the fear of reprisal, we'd follow through with the threat we made in our head to dismember the person who backed into our car in the car park... and so on...

The Beard, as you know, has no truck with civilisation... the whole idea holds us back, and prevents us becoming truly civilised, or at least seeing whether we can become so... we are so obsessed by the idea that our own prejudices and tribal/personal survival techniques are actually civilisation, that we are unable to recognise them for what they are... tribal survival mechanisms... which is why we see outsiders as not quite civilised.... because deep down we want their land, their resources and their women... The way to go forward is to learn, to accept that we aren't what we wish to be... but our stubborness as a race, coupled with our asertion, however erroneous, that we are civilised, stops us objectively trying to find out what civilisation actually is... which is a shame, because, who knows, we could actually be quite good at it... but then, civilisation could simply mean stagnation... we seem to advance better when we struggle, when we have conflict... it's good for humanity as a whole if not for the individual parts... and stagnation leads to extiction.. which on reflection might not be a bad thing...

But it the night is merging into the morning, and bed and Mrs Beard beckon... so it remains only to be said that until we all accept that we can all make a boob every now and then, Wisebeard salutes you!!!!!!